What the fuck!?!

So fucking dazed and confused and not at all one fucking bit amused, all i want to do is blow out my fucking brain but im not even sure that will stop this pain? I dont know what the fuck this is that i feel but i promise you this shit is real. A million and one things on my mind and the thing that bothers me is the one fucking thing i cant find. Everything and everyone is just working on my nerves, fuck me sideways - this is someting that no one deserves. All i constantly want to do is just to fucking cry and i do not have the foggiest clue as to why? Even considering some smack to numb out the pain, fuck that shit! nope, not again - im not that insane!
Completely fucking lost in this ocean of uncertainty and all i want to know is what the fuck is wrong with me? People everywhere just driving me the fuck insane, hell man - one person does not deserve all this strain. Im really not sure how much more shit i can take cause somethings gonna give soon and im talking snap...shatter...break!
Doesnt matter how much grass i smoke this annoyance i cant ease, jesus fucking christ! I just want one single second of peace. Words can even come close to express what it is that im going through and no professional, no quack or shrink will be able to tell me what the fuck to do? Constantly on the verge but not losing my mind yet and not one single fucking tear to shed...

'By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest.'

Confucius

Emotional cleansing, ascension symptoms, pretty fucked up....

I dont hate anyone and i dont think i have any enemies but what im going through i wouldnt wish upon my worst enemy. I wake up every morning feeling really amazing and happy but not happy as an emotion but more a state of being, vibrating on a way higher level as what i ever have. Ill have this sudden urge to know the time and its always the same; 11:11? Something negative will trigger me and then it just starts spiralling and building up into a 'WHAT THE FUCK IS BOTHERING ME?!?!?!' and i cant for the love of me figure out what it is and then the wrestling with myself starts...
Finally when i stop trying to figure out what the problem is and i just let go then ill see a pattern in my life thats been holding me back without me even being aware of it: parents' broken dreams, education, religion, race and then it lets go - it started leaving through my solar-plexus and now its all the way at my third eye already. When i figure out what the fuck it leaves me but i feel it 'filling up' my feet and then moving and cramping itself out all the way to the chakra through which it 'leaves' my life. Feeling lighter and better afterwards?? Not a clue what the fuck but am i the only person experiencing this? And if yes? Am i losing my fucking mind???

'All wrong-doing arises because of mind. If mind is transformed can wrong-doing remain?'

Buddha

Emotional cleansing - say what?

Every single time i start settling down and relaxing after the day something bad i did triggers this feeling inside me and if i didnt do anything negative...well, it still starts either way. It starts with something huge bothering me and if i didnt do anything negative...well, something huge still bothers me and i just dont have a clue as to what? Ill start looking and looking deep inside me, scan all thats wrong in the world and then my earliest memories and when im finally done burning my brain my mind steps in and takes over. Yes, ive gotten to the point where i just lay back and let go but if you think as much as what i do... Well, then youll understand its not that easy. The weirdest and what i wouldve thought was the most insignificant things caused patterns that was literally holding me back and/or affecting every single choice i made - a conversation my parents had while waiting for a salary to be deposited, a picture with a 'fishermans prayer' on that used to hang on our kitchen wall when i was very small and even our minister who was an alcholic...i mean really, i wouldnt have even look at any of those things as things that were holding me back yet i released all of them through my heart chakra and then it shook out of me leaving me lighter and then it feels like i start 'vibrating' faster and faster. I can literally feel the negative emotions and experiences peel of me and/or get pulled or shaken out of me. Started seeing peoples auras bigtime and even peeked throught what i think was the veil of secrecy which was just as overwhelming...sorry, im just babbeling and am i even making sense OR am i just slowly losing my mind??? Not so sure...
Nevermind ...

'I found it hard.
It was hard to find.
Oh well, whatever, nevermind...'

Nirvana - Smells like teen spirit

XXX

Everything i know or thought i knew has been shredded to bits, my idea of the world has changed so many times over the past year its actually difficult to believe where i was standing a year ago. It all started with an accident and a bigger understanding of what the hell is really going on in this dimention, the lies the manipulation and once you understand it then it gives you the amazing oppertunity to find the truth. The emotional cleansing part is a wee bit of a bitch tho cause it starts with something bothering you bigtime and you cant pinpoint what it is and the more you try to figure it out the more you cockblock yourself. But when you let go and your mind starts to run in the weirdest and most 'insignificant' things you will find this huge pattern thats been dominating your whole life without you even knowing it. Once you realize the root cause and the pictures in your mind line up and you have this 'FREAKING WOW!!!' moment it starts tumbling like dominoes and then releasing through my heart chackra and i can feel how the negativity slowly fills my entire body and when my body is 'full' from head to toes it either gets pulled, shaken or span out of my body and immediately i feel lighter and then i cant keep my eyes open, have to sleep, wake up, new person. Weird patterns that has literally been inprisoning me in others peoples fear and bad habits, yet so amazing and liberating to let go of, others peoples insecurities and beliefs picked up by you as you go through life oblivious of how its gonna hold you down. But after every cleansing session i am more awake, more aware, knowing things ive never learnt, understanding huge concepts yet being misunderstood by everyone you are trying to uplift. Understaning everything yet misunderstood by all? After a while you kinda get used to being called 'freak' and 'the crazy guy' and i can promise you its not easy to communicate with people who are still caught up in old 3d thinking patterns. Because i see things in 5d, i understand exactly what the other people mean and say cause i used to see things like that aswell so i understand them...its just i feel like im talking in a foreign language when i talk to then cause they ont have a freaking clue as to what im saying and trust me its hard to convince yourself you are sane when you are in the minority - especially when you tell the people closest to you about your experieces and they tell you to stop talking about it cause you sound high and people think im crazy...but anyway, such is life...or am i really crazy and did actually lose it long ago?

'Even in a minority of one the truth is still the truth'

Mahatma gandi

The New Age - just another Religion?

In a world where absolutely everything is wrong, well if you believe in right or wrong you'll probably see it that way. Traps and total bullshit everywhere, a system built on lies and corruption to keep us in a constant state of fear and fortunately for us confusion and confusion is the 'Law of One' in one of its most primary distortions cause confusion and not understanding causes and gives us such a huge oppertunity to learn and see the truth. If you can just open your fucking eyes and see through all the bullshit then the truth is written there plainly in huge letters, if you can quiet your mind youll realize that its inside you - the problem is that it wont just come to you, you have to look for it...and then when it finally finds you its quite the sobering experience and eye a huge eye opener and the road leading to it is a beautiful and enriching experience. Whether you want to call the negative polarity on this planet shapeshifting lizzards, the draconin, the orion empire or just plainly the illuminati they are doing us such a huge favor by trying to entrap us by using nothing but our own free will. All they do is dig the whole, give it a name written in big red letters with bright lights and arrows, advertise it as bigger, better and more expensive as last years and then they sit back and watch the minless idiots who wants to be better than their neighbour pay to run, jump and dive in head first. But those who are actually doing the effort to look for the truth will see it for just another hole, they'll try to understand it and to learn from it, then realize the purpose and thus discovering the truth, the real reason behind the reason for the actual whole in the first place. Good example of this is the new age 'religion', probably one of the smartest lies, traps and/or learning experiences fabricated. New age is such poison to the mind cause it just keeps spiritually aware people looking for the truth in another box because its just another belief system. It just puts the ascended masters up there and you the little piece of shit right at the bottom, the principle of karma per individual also prevents you from taking responsibiliy for your own actions and realising that everything that is wrong in your life is actually your own fucking fault and by realizing that it gives you the amazing oppertunity to put it down completely, let go and then freeing yourself. I mean we are in this prison or rather this beautiful and amazing learning experience anyway due to generations of people giving their responsibility away and the universe is about the law of one, love and balance so due to us giving our power away someone had to take it for the universe to balance out so we did actually create the problem we are in ourselves. And then the new age also causes people to react to the truth by saying shit like: 'sounds a bit like new age to me' or 'too New agey, no thanks' and that completely puts alot of people off the truth cause when you start searching you start researching and its almost a defiante that someone looking for the truth will run into the new age belief structure while searching, its quite the lie to fall into and one can fall hard and long into it without realizing that you are actually wasting your time and not moving forward in any way shape or form. Although the beauty is same as with most misinformation out there, there has to be enough truth in the content to sell the lie - always just a degree or five away from the truth to keep you mediocre but if you can see it for what it is, trust you higher self which you get attuned to while searching and understand the mechanics and laws of the universe, then its an amazing and aweinsipiring learning experience leading to the truth and understanding and then unconditional love for our one infinite creator, forgiveness and unconditional love towards yourself and unconditional love and understaning towards everyone else.
Adonai

'Just as a candle cannot burn without fire, men cannot live without a spiritual life.'
'There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way, and not starting.'

Buddha

Nirvana

After a huge arguements, a very shitty day and everything that someone who believes in or percieves right or wrong would take up as fucked up, i learnt the biggest lesson of love and respect due to all the 'wrong' of the day. Closed my eyes, opened my heart and touched what i can now understand how someone with a religious background would percieve as a meeting with 'god', in a presence of complete and pure love and forgiveness with just sooo much understanding. Not 3rd dimentional love that is hurtful, possesive or jealous, no, pure, pure unconditional love and understanding. Pure brilliant love, no right no wrong, no polarity, just balance, everything in sync with the extemely humbling feeling and presence im in. Tears streaming down my face, tears of joy, tears of understanding, tears from being touched by this purity. A deeper understanding emerges, everything is right, everything is one, different distortions of the infinite creator. Confusion leads to understanding, the 'law of confusion' or what we call the 'law of free will' is just a primary distortion of the law of one. The same as the urgue to teach is also directly related to the urge to learn unless youre not learning what you teach - just another primary distortion of the law of one. Behind the veil of secrecy comes the oppurtunity of misunderstanding, hence learning and so figuring it out in an either positive or negative polarized society or collective conciousness, but as you move higher throught the dimentions there is only balance, perfection, beauty, understanding. After opening my eyes and drying my tears i was staring at my feet into the distance, light, halo, yellow burn, sense of dejavu and now i cant look at anyone without seeing a halo around them, it sorta looks like they are quantum leaping and then the colours start 'burning' out the halo, the weirdest, strangest and most enlightning learning experience through love and true understanding and a willingness to know thyself and i mean truly know thyself. Love and understanding, pure cleansing and healing love. True and pure unconditional love for yourself, true and pure unconditional love for others and more importantly the service to others. On the highest level teaching thus learning is godliness at a very primary distortion. Love, love and more love.

'In the sky, there is no distinction of east and west; people create distinctions out of their own minds and then believe them to be true.'

Buddha

Lightworker? starseed? indigo child? - say what?

Ive always known i have someone or something that protects me, i mean for fuck sakes i must be blind not to see. All the shit i caught on and the fact that im still alive - im not even joking and you wont understand how much shit i actually did survive. Protected in a blanket of narcotics for 20years? In the mix with a emotional rollercoaster filled with lots of shit and tears. Now not a single distraction to hold me back, now im grateful for all the heroin and crack. I can really focus on what im going through - i mean it is what i came here for in the first place to do. Completely understanding that there cant be a right or wrong so lets just do it and smoke another bong. With every relapse or shit i make my concience just wakes me up more, sorta peaks my emotions to the max and that pushes me through another door. Still difficult to explain how it feels now that im starting to wake and every now and then i feel so high that it feels like some downer i have to take. Yet everything looks new and bright, shining and glowing and looking so lite. So amazing how the universe carried, guided and protected till here, cant believe all the time and energy i wasted on worries and fear. Now i can be the light in the dark places but come to think about it thats sorta what ive always been and im talking in DARK places, always shining brighter and brighter...but in your own life? Cant wait to see what the future holds for us all, it will be amazing...

'Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.'

Buddha

A new world

Every single morning as i open my eyes and start focussing i can see things that things are changing, things are brighter, everything looks lighter. Always have thought differently than everyone else i know, always pushed to the side, laughed at or cast out cause of my ideas. But when my journey started? There was no stopping it, my thirst for the truth became unbearable and when you really want it the universe delivers and the truth is NOT always the answer you want. And dont think its gonna cause people to accept you more - its good i got used to being the outcast long ago otherwise i wouldve backed out of this journey long ago just to make my life easier - all of a sudden im happy that i was addicted for nearly 20yrs, talk about a blessing in disguise. I wouldve been so caught up in what others wanted of me and what i have to buy and do to impress people that are only there cause the times are good then i wouldve missed the whole point but anyway. When shattering your indoctrination it literally feels like your world gets shaken when you start to realize that everything they ever taught you is a lie, a lie that your parents told you with all the love and good intent in their hearts - sad but true. Constantly looking at the clock @ 11:11 - i mean i even had an accident one morning @ 11:11, a guy showed me 'lets go', i was slipstreaming him on my scooter and all of a sudden he just stopped infront of me and when i got up he drove off? I actually have to thank him cause that really WOKE me up but not wake me up to appreciate life more, no! A different awake, awake to a different reality and since then its been escelating in leaps and bounds. Every question i have gets answered, after i understood unconditional love for others and unconditional love for myself the game has changed completely - some days it feels like there is light shining down into my head, through my body, out my spinning chakras in the front and in my hands, my hands are sometimes so hot others can feel it and responds to the heat - and on cold mornings aswell so dont even think about it. Understanding and knowledge isnt just in my head anymore its part of me, things that i didnt even know bothered me plays of in my head, it fills my body completely from the soles of my feel to the top of my head and when im 'full' it gets pulled out, i can physically feel something being taken out of me and then i feel lighter afterwards but cant keep my eyes open, im talking have to fight to keep them open, i fall asleep and wake up a new me. Same with knowledge; it feels like i 'download' it, my brain tears, i HAVE to sleep and wake up new. I dont even see the 'now', its as if im looking from the top and see everything as a whole. Used to worry about humanity and weep, now i see new hope cause if this is where we are headed... its gonna be amazing!! Well thats enough crazy for one day i suppose but theres a lot more where that comes from...Losing it? I dont think so...


'You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.'


Buddha

Indoctrination 101

Living in a world where we can with all honesty say that evrything we get taught is a lie and that is a sad but scary fact. Ontop of our beautiful planet is a thick layer to disonnect us from out natural energy and from there on up everything is built out of lies. This huge system running fullsteem everyday, for what purpose? to which means? What is it actually achieving? Billions of hypnotized zombies addicted to television, fashion and status. Millions of people that will spend most of their money on the most expensive flatscreen tvs, guess handbags, nike shoes and a new ipad and cellphone they can afford but as little possible on food and health - always the cheapest food, cheapest meds. Generation upon generation have been lied to about who and what we really are that by the time the lie got told to us, it got told to us with conviction by people who really believed it and the intention was so good and pure who were we to question it. We have no real traditions cause everything we celebrate is based on more and more lies. Most people go through their whole lives believing it and spreading it with passion, selling it and even buying it, even believing you need the system to survive. Most people pay monthly to get brainwashed or shall i say satelite tv, cabel, tivo and the people who dont have money wish they could afford the brainwashing, people sitting infront of the tv all day flipping channels cause there is nothing on? If there is nothing on why are you still sitting there but anyway. People so badly want that glossy magazine in the plastic bag with the deoderant sample included so that someone else can tell then how to look, what to wear and what to buy. Pointing out every flaw on already flawlessly photoshopped models and actors not just making them feel inferior but also wiring you up negatively, to always look for the wrong just due to the very negative angle of the media towards the people they supposedly adore and are quite clearly their bread and butter? The news or what has been deduced to be called news isnt their bread and butter anymore its just another way of scaring you into feeling happy with your crappy live which is supposed to be normal? More worried about david beckhams hairstyle than the world being stolen by bankers. Slowly moving to the final version of newspeak george orwells dream mentality. And alot of people cant even feel that there is something wrong? When you start asking the right questions nothing makes sense, for a while that is. When you finally unplug from all the media brainwashing crap and advertising propoganda bullshit and you wake up then reality starts to change. You need alternative views of the everything, you need to start questioning those beliefs that got forced into you with all the love in the world by people who didnt know better. Start unrooting and breaking the indoctrination thats been going on for generations. All the brainwashing the goverment forces your parents to send you to and pay for needs to be broken down. All the old systems we dont need anymore. A good start is erich von daniken chariots of the gods, im not saying believe everything he says but the questions he asks is just right to change something, sorta like the way you change after a trip, suttle but definite. Read diffrent religious scripts and find out why that is so taboo or so simular? Curiosity never killed any cat. Then try Zecharia Sitchin the earth chronicles, once again be so careful of all the misinformation out there, i mean his 3rd book the lost realms makes no sense but its a deliberate coverup for the remnants of atlantis and the ancestral knowledge the native americans had - same as his theory on the moon but still. Then you need to understand the manifulation thats going on and a good book for that is David Icke ...and the truth shall set you free or the biggest secret - and yes i know the names are quite ironic but they state the puropose, its more about getting your head out of your arse and waking up to what is going on in the world. Same as the documentried Zeitgeist and Zeitgeist addendum its not all true but it shakes your mind out of its box and then you start looking for the truth. Conspiracy theory, conspiracy facts, confusion, powerlessness, huge journey of self discover and the more you look the more it finds you. Once you are aware of how you are being manifulated you go to the why part and thats when you start finding your true self, your higher self, your spiritual path is well on its way, understanding the wisdom of the mystic master and the seat of the soul. The higher purpose in your life, realizing that you are not just 3dimentional, not just a physical body, just the way your soul manifests in this playgound we were born into with a veil of secrecy so that we can deliberately forget who we really are for the learning experience of spiritual growth. Follow your own path, listen to your heart, follow ur feminine energies, intuition, love, understanding. Forget about 3rd dimentional thinking, follow your unique path to enlightenment, want it and look for it and it will find you. A seed of conciousness is planted in the mind of those who observe it...

'Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Ascension 101

Feeling so weird, so different; it feels like my feet are on the ground but my head is 'higher' than normal(concidering my history thats quite ironic i suppose), light seems brighter, everything looks lighter and i know it might sound strange but its not my brain thats fried(i know how that feels - trust me...completely different but anyway). Got confirmation from my higher self(not my high self) im not crazy but no one else seems to believe me and this sparks alot of emotional ups and downs and then it just starts building and building and it feels like i wanna tear something, punch something, throttle someone...and then from my heart it feels like the emotion is soaking through my body and when its everywhere inside me it feels like it gets pulled out of me. Immediately i feel lighter and better but so tired i cant keep my eyes open, fall asleep, wake up and feel like a million bucks. It started weeks apart but started getting more and more frequent and closer and closer together. Sometimes from the soles of my feet it feels like something is building inside me slowly and gradually moving up and up, layer upon layer untill it reaches the top of my head - feel weird, tired, cant move, dont want to get up, cant sleep and eventually fall asleep, wake up new and different person. When this all started it felt like a light shining down into the middle of my head and into my brain, all of a sudden it feels like im downloading something, face pulling, head shaking, thinking so badly untill it feels like my brain tears, so tired cant keep my eyes open, fall asleep, wake up a different person and this has also happened more than once, exactly the same feeling. Generally im healthy & dont believe in cold sores and headaches but the other day i had the worse headache (and two weeks after the same), it was so bad that i threw up like the fat guy in monty python's meaning of life but it felt like something(a drop to be excact) was squeezing its way throught the exact middle of my brain, after the pain that felt like my head was exploding was done and the 'drop' was through; wherever it touched or was absorbed into it looked and felt like soft pieces of a reflection of light in a broken mirror. except for the constantly runny nose without a cold its not all bad the emotional up and down is hectic but the feeling afterwards is amazing. Its constantly feeling as if im standing in a door stepping forward and backwards, higher and lower. Its not medication and its not lsd backflashes(i know how those feel aswell but anyway again) cause its emotional changes i can feel physically. Same as the spinning wheels in the front of my body(and my hands) that when they feel off balance i can start at the bottom and balance then from the bottom to the top, one by one in meditation with certain affirmations. I understand everything, i understand the bigger picture, it is really as if im recieving information from somewhere in sessions small enough to make it feel like my head is burning and my brain tearing but massive enough to shift my perspective, tiring but inspiring. But grasping it is like one of those chinese(i think it is-it could be japanese??)fingertraps, you have to let go and relax to grasp it cause the moment you focus and think about it too much it feels like its starting to slip away, dont think it feel. You cant solve it by analyzing it you have to feel it with your heart, your intuition and when you grasp it you cant stop talking not just to share but also to work through and really undertand for your own personal self and growth. I used to think im crazy but ive realized im far from. Just a pity the people i love and care for most thinks im crazy and ive lost it but since i understand there is no right or wrong the value of the experience is amazing. If you love yourself you love and accept others cause the things that annoy you in other people are the things that bother you about yourself so by loving and accepting yourself unconditionally you love and accept others more. But thats just my opionion and personal experience of a situation - and thats why we are here: a complete human experience, polarity integration...

'He was a dreamer, a thinker, a speculative philosopher... or, as his wife would have it, an idiot.'

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