Thursday, 11 April 2013

Today...

Flesh, searing, sanity, nearing, closer than ever to the real true me, with eyes this wide open think of all I see? So much blindness, stupidity and ignorance around, take my word for it its so much worst than what it could ever sound.

Have an arguement with yourself and loose? Its a fucking miracle i dont drown all my sorrows in booze. I dont think there is any sense in what ive written here? Atleast about that fact im being honest and sincere? Still writing on without a fucking clue? It will probably make sense to someone who sniffs a bit of glue?

See what im saying is true about the not making sense? Gawd! Whoever reads this will probably think im quite dense? But i dont actually give a fuck what anyone thinks about me, aslong as you just let me the fuck be. Just chill the fuck out and go and play, is it too much to ask for peace and quiet for a single day?

Brains fried, tear ducts dried, long long day, please just go away. Time will tell, heaven or hell...


"The things you own end up owning you. It's only after you lose everything that you're free to do anything."

Chuck Palahniuk , Fight Club

Wednesday, 10 April 2013

Curse of the thinking man?

Just want to let go, for once just quiet this fucking mind of mine and know what peace and quiet feels like. So many thoughts, so little time. A million and one of the bastards just forcing their way through this bottle-neck in your head called your brain. Headaches from all the thinking, random thoughts flying through your head so fucking fast it feels like your head is on fire, not being able to sleep due to you realising that you actually dont have a cooking clue as to what you are actually doing with your life. Always counting everything, always pairing everything, counting it again and again and again until someone takes it away and then try to slip in another count or two before its out of sight. Crazy? Normal? Wouldnt know the difference if you pointed it out to me. Got to let go, have to let go, think it through, just do it? Well aslong as it makes sense to me...



'We have normality. I repeat, we have normality. Anything you still can't cope with is therefore your own problem.'


Douglas Adams

Vivaldi

Infinate sadness, infinate cries; out of the darkness, huge web of lies. So much lost and so much gained yet still so much left completely unexplained? Driven by fury and anger right from the start straight out of this hole where there shudve been a heart. Deep and dark void that needs filling all day long, how much can you resist and stand strong? Everything that is wrong can be fixed even tho its just for now but in a while reality comes back and starts to chow. So much negativity caused, your life for a while stagnent, paused. So much hate anger and regret, no wonder you want to run back - it helps you forget...

'Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.'


Buddha

Tuesday, 9 April 2013

misunderstood

So many people at this time are waking up from a huge spiritual slumber, such a brilliant and positive change is busy happening but the sad reality is that the way our system and our minds are shaped most people have a complete misunderstanding as to what is really going on in themselves. Society, religion, the system(which is so much bigger than most people could ever understand-some parts of it is so huge you cant even see it if you aren't aware of it) psycology and the medical establishment or rather the highly educated prescription writers - dont get me wrong they do work hard to get their degree but they get drilled and trained so hard into believing what the universities, (and the huge tax-expemt foundations that fund them and their research if they agree with their curriculum and the outcome of the research they fund) tell them what a doctor does and should be that it leaves a little regard for actual healing. And the ones that do the actual healing gets written off as quacks? The ones with the fancy cars with the office in high society that prescribe the expensive meds gets considered the best doctors altho they actually dont care in the least for curing you rather just pumping you full of expensive tablets(warning:could cause nausea and vomitting, warning: could lead to coma or death and you wonder why i worry).
So confusion is the order of the day while one is slowly waking up or rapidly opening up in stages beyond comprehension - the trick is not to fight it and dont try to force it either (sorta like a fingertrap) but unfortunately for those who are not aware of what is happening to them (they just feel depressed, annoyed, irritated and sometimes completely out of it - usually when there is a full moon). Altho the fact they dont know what is happening to them is helping them wake up faster it might also force them to seek professional help which unfortunately in the system doesnt reconize things like sound, vibration, conciousness, spirituality, i mean gawd it doesnt even reconize the fact you have chackras (which play such an important part on our mental and physical health) and you can measure your chakras using a crystal. Doctors don't solve the problem they try to put together a general idea of whats wrong with your 3rd dimentional physical body and try to match it to what he got hammered into believing diseases are and if he cant numb you out enough with valium(which makes u stop feeling and growing) then its off to the shrink we go and immediately its depression or bi-polar - now you feed into the idea that you are depressed or bi-polar and the brain is so strong in that sense that it overrides all logic (or whatever you see as logic in your reality or whatever the system or education told you reality should be?) and now you just get worse and worse until you get to the point of being referred to the big gun, the psyciatrist, the one that has the power to really numb you out with meds if they cant convince you into being better. Im depressed, im bi-polar, gawd everythng is just wrong in my life (cause by now you've convinced youself you are suicidal and no! Stay away man,im crazy...look into these crazy eyes type of thing) and then he just thinks: ah, how do we numb this out? Not, how do we solve this? No, schedule 6 the good stuff, also the stuff where it feels you walk next to yourself and you have these long dreams that continue everytime after you wake up and fall asleep again and at the end of the day what do we have? A person thats busy waking up on a spiritual level but due to modern medicine is zonked out of his or her mind and reality is just a vague dream - and thats what they wanted from the beginning, that is exactly why the system is set up the way it is. If you live above this dimention it means you are in the 4th dimention 'time' and what that means is that you can basically see that it doesnt exist, and if you have evolved thru the complete understanding of the fact that time is relevant then youll be able to see that the past, present and future are happening at excactly the same time and youll be able to set up plans accordingly sorta like from the 'william shakepear conspiricy' (i kinda like how evrything these days that goes against what the system wants us to think conveniently gets labeled: 'conspiricy' but anyway) to Hollywood today - you might think to yourself what the hell does the one have to do with the other? Thats how a plan over ages would look and work if you didnt have time as a hurdle, start something that creates a huge divide and watch it grow and blossom into the modern version of 'the holy bush' but anyway that another story). And now most people who are waking out of this slumber gets knocked right back because the basis for our understanding, the 'education' system gives us a base to build on and this doesnt teach us anything meta-physical. Its simple: if you cant touch or measure it it simply doesnt exist, so anything above and beyond what we got taught is normal you ignore otherwise you get laughed at for being crazy? And we wonder why the world is in the mess it is in? Even though we were conned into believing that everything we got taught is right and fact we need to break out of this prison of lies we are all locked in. Stop giving our powwer away and start thinking for ourselves and only then when you find the truth, the meaning of life, the big mystery which isnt actually that much of a mystery, then only will you be free...


'Life is one big road with lots of signs. So when you riding through the ruts, don't complicate your mind. Flee from hate, mischief and jealousy. Don't bury your thoughts, put your vision to reality. Wake Up and Live!'

Bob Marley

Sunday, 7 April 2013

The secret

There is one basic fact in this life of ours...the truth really does set you free. No left, no right, just a straight line. No opinion, no division, no radical left and no radical right, no he said she said or even some highly educated yet completely and deliberately misinformed clergy member or teacher giving their stance or opinion on the situation. Plain and simple, nothing less, nothing more, just liberating. And the most beautiful part of it all is with the truth(which already is a huge freaking bonus) comes a huge added double bonus called understanding...the most amazing gift anyone can give to themself and to others. There is so much power in these two basic principles; it literally sets you free in the most amazing of ways. You can overcome any obstacle in your life by just knowing and understanding what is really going on within yourself and this messed up system we are imprisoned in. There is just one small problem: it doesnt just come in a single day but dont get me wrong cause if you really truly start looking for it, it will find you and it will hit you hard but only when you are ready for it....


'Our greatest glory is not in never falling, butin rising every time we fall.'

Confucius

Saturday, 23 February 2013

Where

Mind is shattered, memories scattered. A little blackout here and there, just to show your sanity who is boss with a little bit of a scare. Drifing father and further away from you old self, erase irrelevant pieces and those you might use again stack them on a shelf. Rusty, wrong and stuck in a rut scary as shit, really pasting a new you together piece by bit. Sense is a long gone thing of the past, white flag hanging at half mast. Darker and deeper tumbling and falling, a minute ago you were puking and crawling? What the fuck happened in that part of a second we call a split, everything changed before your eyes-holy shit! It changed again and again and once more, like your sanity - its gone; no more. Far far gone really far away, i promise you that its not coming back this day. Not one piece of sense i can make of this shit, not the feintest clue not one bit. Lost myself again while searching for the real me, its just hes always been here - i was just to fucking blind to see...

'The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.'

Socrates

Thursday, 21 February 2013

Sadness

So far away from myself yet so near, what and why is this that i so truly and deeply fear? So much sadness, loss and pain, so much character built yet the building nearly drove me insane. So far down the rabbit hole i fell, will i ever find my way out? Only time will tell...
So many times have i seen the writing on the wall, oh how many times did the mighty fall. Paradise lost and found, maybe i can keep it this time round? For once just know which way i am actually heading, instead of always sitting, hating, regetting...
So many 'what if's' constantly in your head floating around, trust me is much fucking worse than what it sounds. Always picking on festering sores freventing them from healing, over and over hating the time and innosense that this shit was constantly stealing...


'Time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted.'

John Lennon

Tuesday, 19 February 2013

750g

Is amazing how your whole life can change in one single choice, how one moment of realisation can change every aspect of your life. From dragging your sorry ass through life hating every single second of every fucking miserable day of your pathetic mere sorry excuse of an oxygen thief to standing on top of the world. Lieterally embracing and celebrating every second of the day. Living in the moment, knowing everything is perfect and all the misery you were wallowing around in was of your own making a horrible reflection of opinion and misinformation. Generational brainwashing just generation upon generation of people being born into a mental prison and handing that horrible gift over to the next generation with all their love and good intetions. Gently placing you into what they think and feel about themselves and their world, with all their love and understanding they throw you into a mental prison built on lies and deceipt yet guarded by love, understanding and good intentions. I am me, i am free... Oraaitythen

'Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.'

Confucius

Sunday, 20 January 2013

So far lost yet so close to being found

If you can understand that this whole sick system (or if you want to compliment it and call it society) is a huge reflection of the collective conciousness of the human psyche, all of humanity's thoughts and fears manifested into this huge intricately woven mishap of a experiment going completely wrong, only then will you start to realize the the faults are not in the world itself but in us, the people that occupy this 3rd dimention we are manifesting all our thoughts, fears and pet hates in. From before we can even think for ourselves our reality gets bombarded with negative thought and feelings that our parents manifest as their reality. Before we can even properly understand this reality we are carnated in, we hear about being born into sin and how we will never ever be worthy. Everyone is always complaining about everything that is wrong and by doing so never ever focussing on what is right so by the time you start thinking for yourself you are already hardwired to see everything in a negative light. So many unimportant things causes you to feel that you are not good enough...

Saturday, 3 November 2012

To reply on the comments

I completely understand the feeling that addicts get that leads you to believe that once you are addicted using becomes sorta like second nature, i was addicted to chemicals for nearly 20 years and its only my 33rd birthday next month. The 1st time i smoked a button(mandrax tablet, qualude), i literally opened my eyes after the 1st hit i ever took and the 1st thought that crossed my mind was 'i wanna feel like this for the rest of my life' and thats what i went for. Needless to say it was straight downhill from there (the same with rocks, schnarf, meth and basically anything and everything that gives a buzz)and then i met the love of my life: smack and altho i was still using everything else smack became like cigarettes - its something i always had and made sure that i always had and if i was close to running out ill make a plan to get or start panicking if there was no plan to be made(running when you are sick is not my idea of fun but a mans gotta do what a mans gotta do). You dont count money in currency units, you count it in units of 1st mandrax, then it went to rocks, grams and as time progressed eventually bags. Open my eyes in the morning due to this horrible feeling of anxiety manifesting in my stomach, at one stage it was so bad that when i opened my eyes in the morning i lit a smoke and took a hit before even getting out of bed and if i didnt have that hit i had to literally drag myself into a shower, a 15min walk to work took nearly an hour and a half and then die at work untill my man showed up, i was in such a deep hole that i used to only use the crapper on sundays(that was my designated toilet day)and having to wait that 2 or 3 hours for my stomach to go was like hell, sweating, vomitting yellow bile, shivering and sneezing. I used to FEAR the thought of going cold turkey and all my attempts usually lasted no longer than 6 maybe 8 hours and that was my cleantime, so i understand how most people can think and feel like its something you do without even thinking about it. It took me 10years(2yrs chasing and schnarfing and 8yrs of shooting)to realize that all that 'hi im neil and im an addict, ill always be an addict and powerlessness' are extremely negative and powerfull words and you are binding yourself and pulling yourself down more. I do admit you have to plan breaking this routine very carefully yet before you 'throw a spanner in the works, pull up the handbrake' call it what you want you have to make the change within yourself cause this negative and self-destructive behaviour is due to the way you see/feel about yourself and the world. If you realize how reality is created and you completely understand it then it is so much easier to just let go. Im no 'captain recovery' or any shit like that yet i dont even take meds anymore, i was literally chowing pax(valiums) and subutex tablets like it was going out of fashion. And at the end of it all i just changed my mind about myself and the world and everything just got better. I cant even look at my other blog anymore, all the 'poems' that i didnt finish and got saved to my drafts(nearly 200), i cant even finish cause 1stly: i cant believe how negative and twisted my mindset was and never ever want to go there again and 2ndly: i cant and dont want to think that negatively about anything especially myself and my life again. Its just about changing the way you see and feel about yourself and the world and the rest will sort itself out. If anyone used to mention my addiction or ask out about it i used to give a reply that usually went someting like: its complicated. The only reason why it was complicated is cause i complicated it for myself...

Please remember i didnt write this to impress anyone, i really dont even know anyone who commented on my previous posts altho i really sincerely hope it will help someone to get back to being themself. Im still in awe how easy it was at the end of the day to just stop all my shit and break the habit. If it sounds cocky in any way, i promise it is not my intention.

'Experience is not what happens to you; it's what you do with what happens to you.'

Aldous Huxley