Cockblocking myself

One day you'll know everything or so they say? So you should just wait and believe everything you are sold untill that fucking day?
Why would anyone fuck themselves over this way, i mean for fucksakes; this shit isn't childsplay? Fucked in the head? Life full of regret? Fighting all fucking day long? God dammit this shit makes you strong? But it also fucks you up one time, even worst for you than pink slime. Deep inside you start rotting at the core; and then? All you want is more? Crazy shit! Jip, thatsit!
Complete totally and utterly fucked praying for a new day. Really? Are you trying to pray this shit away! Not happening, well definately not today. How many times more? When am I gonna end up lifeless on the fucking floor? I promise you its not worth all this aches and pain and anyone else wouldve long ago gone insane. Always chasing the clock. Tick-fucking-tock. Run, make a mission - just keep the cold-turkey away. Same thing over and over day by day. Heroine, smack, junk, H even horse, call it what you want either way you'll end up with so much fucking remorse. So much to give and so much to loose so sit back, nod, pass out and snooze.
Day in and day out you are worried about dying but constantly about youre health you are lying? Cramps, aches and pains and at all not well, no one knows cause they're not even remotely aware of my hell. Constantly stoned out of my mind, dont worry - im not the only one of my kind. All pin eyed and zombiefaced - brain and blood completely with opiates laced. Story of my life? Constant strife? Saddest part is that I know one choice will take all this shit away and then once and all end this game of russian roulette that i sooo badly like to play. Braindead, sick needle obsession in my head. Fear of needles long gone now that shit gets used for fun? What the fuck! jesus christ! I need more than just luck!!!


'I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be.'

Douglas Adams

Hallelujah and amen

This excited in my life ive never been, cause for the last couple of years only the bad side of everything ive seen. Since i can think for myself ive been convinced that im crazy, cause people didnt understand my priorities and way of thinking they thought i was a misfit...lazy. Always and forever longing and feeling out of place, knowing my home's not here but somewhere far off in a completely different time and space. While i talk i can constantly see people shaking their head, and if they could - the sense i talk theyd rather ignore and or try to forget? People do not like it if you question their beliefs and start saking and pointing out the holes in its base. Well? While conversing with me that is constantly the case. Girlfriends, doctors, psyciatrists and here and there the odd shrink, call me crazy, leave me, refer me, lock me up and medicate me to the brink. Tablets to sleep, tablets to stop all this thinking, tablets to numb out these extreme emotions i feel, a handfull of smarties in the morning and another handfull at night - are you for real?
Then all of a sudden things started moving fast, not sure how long this period of change is gonna last, thinking and feeling so much it literally feels like im tearing my brain, after which i cant keep my eyes open - falling asleep while thinking i just went insane. Opening my eyes as if im waking up to a brand new day, pain and negativity gone and alot of positive changes that stay. Changing in leaps and bounds! Trust me its even more scary and amazing than what it sounds.
More and more people awakening out their spiritual slumber every single day, energy and the search for truth pulling them my way. This morning at 2 while staring at the stars in the sky, tears started rolling over my cheeks and out of sheer relief i started to cry. Realizing that for all these years i wasnt wrong! And the only thing all the opposition did was help me grow more and made me strong. Always coincidently looking at the clock at 11:11, get this shiver through your body and then it feels like you are at one with love - in heaven. To the great conciousness an amazing link, sometimes it feels like im downloading data - cant tell that one to a shrink? Closing my eyes and doing a backflip deep into the deep darkness inside me, how far i can go? i cant wait to see. Feels like someone is trying contact me as a guide, have to get in touch and sit back and enjoy the ride. If you really comprehend and understand there is really no right or wrong, youll just get excited, relax and go right along. If one detail was different in my life today i wouldnt be where i am: death, abuse, beatings, hate, anger, losing myself, a joint, a hit even a gram. Understanding that releases so hectically you can literally feel your body shift, sometimes it moves together or even apart it can drift. The second i let go of all my neagtivity and fear, immediately my new reality was manifested and here. And now for the first time hope for humanity's future i see, cause if everyone is gonna change this way and start thinking like me, then only positive, loving, caring and beautiful potential the future will hold, rule our own destiny, reach our full individual aswell as collective potential and never again any one by anyone else will be told. This is the time that the illuminati fears and they shudve known this mass awakening is coming for years..


'The way is not in the sky. The way is in the heart.'

Buddha

Life is like a box of chocolates...

What else left to say? Please take this pain away? Cutting and ripping flesh from bone and skin, looking back for answers to questions like: where did this shit actually begin? How in the name of god did you fall into this trap? And how the fuck can one get addicted to this crap? Cause i promise you that this shit is really not a smidgen of fun, constantly craving, missioning, scoring and always on the run. Saddest part is that this one isn't a 'want' but a 'need', with an added bonus of constant cravings you have to feed. Normality and sobriety is a strangeness you fear - while you start losing your mind when cold-turkey draws near. Whole life and schedule planned around using? And its one of the things in life you are not choosing, not in control in any way, like a game of russian roulette with 5 bullets to play. Fearing the sweat that starts breaking and covers your back - trickeling in an uncomfortable stream down through your crack. Shivering and sneezing and for your mood there is just no pleasing. Everythings wrong and nothing is right, miserable, edgy, short-tempered and all you want to do is fight. Not even enough energy to lift your ass though. Vision gone, systyem fucked and reflexes from non-exsistant to very extremely slow. Millions of lost thoughts scattered all over nowhere, no way in life for this hell to prepare: you quickly pick it up as you go along, and the moment you had it everything just went pearshaped and wrong. The hate, struggling and suffering nearly kills you and that makes you hard, agressive and cold, it feels as if your soul to the devil you sold. A part of you forever lost and the rest changed; everything else is fucked and totally and completely rearranged. Change, change, change! But you believe normality is strange? Once again no sense in what im writing? thinking so hard my lip im biting? All i know is now i have to turn it around, fix everything and do it right. With everything that i have, love and hold dear put up one last fight...


'No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path.'

Buddha:::2:aec240d95fd5c45e2e1afc7a0467468a:-1:0:::

I am

Surrounded by just myself and me, seeing a completely different aspect of this reality. The truth is all in life i seek, yet all the bullshit and stories just leaves me bleek? Running around in circles chasing my tail all fucking day long, looking past all that is right and just constantly staring into everything thats wrong. A negative person, never - who me? Its just: there is normally not much right with the picture i see...
Sometimes this whole life feels like a deep and dark dream. A perpetual state of deja-vu, familiarity, something youve experieced, felt and seen. Really not too much left to say, just going forward trying to make the best of every day? Charging myself up as positively and as much as i can, constantly bullshitting myself and telling myself that Im the fucking man!
Deep dark foggy memories swamped with anger and pain, constantly up the wall and driving me completely insane. Never ever thinking that youre gonna see the end of this shit, death seems like an answer but no, thats not it? A bit extreme and dramatic i might say, especially when you might feel different about it the next day? Fucked in the head? Atleast i have no regrets?


'Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance.'

Confucius

Sunrise to sunset so...all day?

Spiralling more and more, its been weeks since i hit the fucking floor, eina hard and with the speed of light, god dammit here comes another fight. For sobriety and sanity - and at the end of the day for me? So much lost and so much found, how the hell did i fuck up this time round? So much to loose cause so much ive gained, why would i do this to myself again - doesnt it seem strange? All the lessons learnt along the way didnt come cheap and at the end of the day its really mine to keep. So much strenght built over years and years, literally killed off all my insecurities and every single one of my fears. But what can the reason be this time round? What piece of gold this time will i find? Everything happens with a reason they say? Please, please, please! Lets just hope and pray...



'The more I see the less I know for sure.'

John Lennon

It no funny

Lost in oblivion just staring at a blank screen, i know what to say but what does it mean? So many spotted and vague memories in this void, so much memory and grey matter destroyed. Holes burnt from front to back all the way through; and the true beauty? Theres absolutely nothing about it i can do. Ontop of it all it feels like im not making any sense? Cherry on top - that leaves me feel even more and more tense. To relax have some pizza, a blunt and definately a bong, but then why does everything still feel so bloody wrong? Ride of your life in the storms eye, supposed to be rushing but all you want to do is cry, cursing the heroin, cursing the crack but at end of the day you just want your life back. So much fucking time and money on this timeloop wasted, so much bitter honey bought, bartered, stolen and tasted. Simple is what things were years ago, when everything was just irie, relaxed and slow. Now its just dropped a gear and fucked off with the speed of light - losing parts of myself along the way with a huge fright. Have to find myself but where does one start? Best place i suppose is just to look inside my heart?


'Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.'

Douglas Adams

Sun is shining

Dont know whether i live in a madhouse or a fucking zoo? Crazy shit man but what can one do? Move out, get another spot to stay? Or live with the madness and pretend its getting a wee bit better every day? A whirlpool of good intentions spiralling down the drain, gawd dammit man! can you not feel my pain? Running scared all day long, every bit of this crap is just so god damn wrong! Dying on the inside for forever and a day, and all you want is just for all this shit to go away! Madhouse or zoo? Still no fucking clue!


'In this bright future you can't forget your past.'

Bob Marley - No woman no cry

Freedom

Going where? Should i actually care? Focussing on the road ahead, forget about your past bubbling and boiling over with hate and regret. No more crying in the rain, focus on the pleasure going down the drain? Gone insane while losing your mind? Dont worry - you're not the only one of that kind. A light and gentle mist of sanity slowly filling the air, if you were open to these things you might start to care. Only a wee bit in the beginning tho; cause this thawing from insanity process is kinda slow. But what is it that you are actually trying to achieve? Looking for something bigger so you can start to believe? Just know tomorrow is a brand spanking new day and if your lucky all this shit would have gone away...


"A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself."

Jim Morrison

Pizza

Crazy is as crazy are? When you wish upon a shooting star. Mind is shattered, thoughts are scattered - going, going, gone and im talking very-very-extremely far, for a while you dont even have a clue as to who you really are? Just upping and downing all day long, and every single little thing just annoys and feels soo fucking wrong. Annoying you in every sense of your being, and then in the deepest darkest moment of dispair the light you start seeing. Peaking over the horizon like a curious soul, just short of touching everything, awaking all, its higher purpose - its final goal. As a brand new day in a waking sunrise, in a cool fresh breeze clearing your mind with a crisp and refreshing surprise. Now that you have gone far astray and completely lost your mind, you start searching for yourself and the truth and you'll be amazed at what you find. Hope, peace and utter bliss for forever and a day and its all but a single choice away?


'Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth.'

Buddha

Some prophecy?

Lost and found, probably for the millionth time round. Gone, gone and going - that was my sanity out the window like a boeing. Still no sense in all this shit im writing? Hey, atleast my sanity's gone so for that purpose i can stop fighting. Now I only have one thing to focus on - and theres a chance that ill probably still get it wrong? A random though or two lost deep inside this vacuum called my head, being chaced around by a couple of tumbleweeds and a single regret. You can take my word for it thats its literally only when your brain fries; thats when all the static and emotion inside your head dies. If it could only get and stay lost for a week or two? Imagine all the constructive shit with my life I could actually do? When you need to think its as if you cant make the switch work? And when you want peace and quiet it just starts going berzerk. Sorta like schnarfing speed, you have so much more energy than what you actually need - if you sit down all you wanna do is get up, dance and jam - the moment you get moving the thought crosses your mind that you would really love to sit down now...damn! I really dont have a clue as to what the hell i just wrote so to maybe add some sense to it ill just end it off with a quote...now that i think about it: everything ive ever posted has a quote at the end? Ok!?! Lets say we didnt just realize that one ok? and then try to pretend?


'The basic thing nobody asks is why do people take drugs of any sort? Why do we have these accessories to normal living to live? I mean, is there something wrong with society that's making us so pressurized, that we cannot live without guarding ourselves against it?'

John Lennon