Lightworker? starseed? indigo child? - say what?

Ive always known i have someone or something that protects me, i mean for fuck sakes i must be blind not to see. All the shit i caught on and the fact that im still alive - im not even joking and you wont understand how much shit i actually did survive. Protected in a blanket of narcotics for 20years? In the mix with a emotional rollercoaster filled with lots of shit and tears. Now not a single distraction to hold me back, now im grateful for all the heroin and crack. I can really focus on what im going through - i mean it is what i came here for in the first place to do. Completely understanding that there cant be a right or wrong so lets just do it and smoke another bong. With every relapse or shit i make my concience just wakes me up more, sorta peaks my emotions to the max and that pushes me through another door. Still difficult to explain how it feels now that im starting to wake and every now and then i feel so high that it feels like some downer i have to take. Yet everything looks new and bright, shining and glowing and looking so lite. So amazing how the universe carried, guided and protected till here, cant believe all the time and energy i wasted on worries and fear. Now i can be the light in the dark places but come to think about it thats sorta what ive always been and im talking in DARK places, always shining brighter and brighter...but in your own life? Cant wait to see what the future holds for us all, it will be amazing...

'Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.'

Buddha

A new world

Every single morning as i open my eyes and start focussing i can see things that things are changing, things are brighter, everything looks lighter. Always have thought differently than everyone else i know, always pushed to the side, laughed at or cast out cause of my ideas. But when my journey started? There was no stopping it, my thirst for the truth became unbearable and when you really want it the universe delivers and the truth is NOT always the answer you want. And dont think its gonna cause people to accept you more - its good i got used to being the outcast long ago otherwise i wouldve backed out of this journey long ago just to make my life easier - all of a sudden im happy that i was addicted for nearly 20yrs, talk about a blessing in disguise. I wouldve been so caught up in what others wanted of me and what i have to buy and do to impress people that are only there cause the times are good then i wouldve missed the whole point but anyway. When shattering your indoctrination it literally feels like your world gets shaken when you start to realize that everything they ever taught you is a lie, a lie that your parents told you with all the love and good intent in their hearts - sad but true. Constantly looking at the clock @ 11:11 - i mean i even had an accident one morning @ 11:11, a guy showed me 'lets go', i was slipstreaming him on my scooter and all of a sudden he just stopped infront of me and when i got up he drove off? I actually have to thank him cause that really WOKE me up but not wake me up to appreciate life more, no! A different awake, awake to a different reality and since then its been escelating in leaps and bounds. Every question i have gets answered, after i understood unconditional love for others and unconditional love for myself the game has changed completely - some days it feels like there is light shining down into my head, through my body, out my spinning chakras in the front and in my hands, my hands are sometimes so hot others can feel it and responds to the heat - and on cold mornings aswell so dont even think about it. Understanding and knowledge isnt just in my head anymore its part of me, things that i didnt even know bothered me plays of in my head, it fills my body completely from the soles of my feel to the top of my head and when im 'full' it gets pulled out, i can physically feel something being taken out of me and then i feel lighter afterwards but cant keep my eyes open, im talking have to fight to keep them open, i fall asleep and wake up a new me. Same with knowledge; it feels like i 'download' it, my brain tears, i HAVE to sleep and wake up new. I dont even see the 'now', its as if im looking from the top and see everything as a whole. Used to worry about humanity and weep, now i see new hope cause if this is where we are headed... its gonna be amazing!! Well thats enough crazy for one day i suppose but theres a lot more where that comes from...Losing it? I dont think so...


'You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.'


Buddha

Indoctrination 101

Living in a world where we can with all honesty say that evrything we get taught is a lie and that is a sad but scary fact. Ontop of our beautiful planet is a thick layer to disonnect us from out natural energy and from there on up everything is built out of lies. This huge system running fullsteem everyday, for what purpose? to which means? What is it actually achieving? Billions of hypnotized zombies addicted to television, fashion and status. Millions of people that will spend most of their money on the most expensive flatscreen tvs, guess handbags, nike shoes and a new ipad and cellphone they can afford but as little possible on food and health - always the cheapest food, cheapest meds. Generation upon generation have been lied to about who and what we really are that by the time the lie got told to us, it got told to us with conviction by people who really believed it and the intention was so good and pure who were we to question it. We have no real traditions cause everything we celebrate is based on more and more lies. Most people go through their whole lives believing it and spreading it with passion, selling it and even buying it, even believing you need the system to survive. Most people pay monthly to get brainwashed or shall i say satelite tv, cabel, tivo and the people who dont have money wish they could afford the brainwashing, people sitting infront of the tv all day flipping channels cause there is nothing on? If there is nothing on why are you still sitting there but anyway. People so badly want that glossy magazine in the plastic bag with the deoderant sample included so that someone else can tell then how to look, what to wear and what to buy. Pointing out every flaw on already flawlessly photoshopped models and actors not just making them feel inferior but also wiring you up negatively, to always look for the wrong just due to the very negative angle of the media towards the people they supposedly adore and are quite clearly their bread and butter? The news or what has been deduced to be called news isnt their bread and butter anymore its just another way of scaring you into feeling happy with your crappy live which is supposed to be normal? More worried about david beckhams hairstyle than the world being stolen by bankers. Slowly moving to the final version of newspeak george orwells dream mentality. And alot of people cant even feel that there is something wrong? When you start asking the right questions nothing makes sense, for a while that is. When you finally unplug from all the media brainwashing crap and advertising propoganda bullshit and you wake up then reality starts to change. You need alternative views of the everything, you need to start questioning those beliefs that got forced into you with all the love in the world by people who didnt know better. Start unrooting and breaking the indoctrination thats been going on for generations. All the brainwashing the goverment forces your parents to send you to and pay for needs to be broken down. All the old systems we dont need anymore. A good start is erich von daniken chariots of the gods, im not saying believe everything he says but the questions he asks is just right to change something, sorta like the way you change after a trip, suttle but definite. Read diffrent religious scripts and find out why that is so taboo or so simular? Curiosity never killed any cat. Then try Zecharia Sitchin the earth chronicles, once again be so careful of all the misinformation out there, i mean his 3rd book the lost realms makes no sense but its a deliberate coverup for the remnants of atlantis and the ancestral knowledge the native americans had - same as his theory on the moon but still. Then you need to understand the manifulation thats going on and a good book for that is David Icke ...and the truth shall set you free or the biggest secret - and yes i know the names are quite ironic but they state the puropose, its more about getting your head out of your arse and waking up to what is going on in the world. Same as the documentried Zeitgeist and Zeitgeist addendum its not all true but it shakes your mind out of its box and then you start looking for the truth. Conspiracy theory, conspiracy facts, confusion, powerlessness, huge journey of self discover and the more you look the more it finds you. Once you are aware of how you are being manifulated you go to the why part and thats when you start finding your true self, your higher self, your spiritual path is well on its way, understanding the wisdom of the mystic master and the seat of the soul. The higher purpose in your life, realizing that you are not just 3dimentional, not just a physical body, just the way your soul manifests in this playgound we were born into with a veil of secrecy so that we can deliberately forget who we really are for the learning experience of spiritual growth. Follow your own path, listen to your heart, follow ur feminine energies, intuition, love, understanding. Forget about 3rd dimentional thinking, follow your unique path to enlightenment, want it and look for it and it will find you. A seed of conciousness is planted in the mind of those who observe it...

'Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Ascension 101

Feeling so weird, so different; it feels like my feet are on the ground but my head is 'higher' than normal(concidering my history thats quite ironic i suppose), light seems brighter, everything looks lighter and i know it might sound strange but its not my brain thats fried(i know how that feels - trust me...completely different but anyway). Got confirmation from my higher self(not my high self) im not crazy but no one else seems to believe me and this sparks alot of emotional ups and downs and then it just starts building and building and it feels like i wanna tear something, punch something, throttle someone...and then from my heart it feels like the emotion is soaking through my body and when its everywhere inside me it feels like it gets pulled out of me. Immediately i feel lighter and better but so tired i cant keep my eyes open, fall asleep, wake up and feel like a million bucks. It started weeks apart but started getting more and more frequent and closer and closer together. Sometimes from the soles of my feet it feels like something is building inside me slowly and gradually moving up and up, layer upon layer untill it reaches the top of my head - feel weird, tired, cant move, dont want to get up, cant sleep and eventually fall asleep, wake up new and different person. When this all started it felt like a light shining down into the middle of my head and into my brain, all of a sudden it feels like im downloading something, face pulling, head shaking, thinking so badly untill it feels like my brain tears, so tired cant keep my eyes open, fall asleep, wake up a different person and this has also happened more than once, exactly the same feeling. Generally im healthy & dont believe in cold sores and headaches but the other day i had the worse headache (and two weeks after the same), it was so bad that i threw up like the fat guy in monty python's meaning of life but it felt like something(a drop to be excact) was squeezing its way throught the exact middle of my brain, after the pain that felt like my head was exploding was done and the 'drop' was through; wherever it touched or was absorbed into it looked and felt like soft pieces of a reflection of light in a broken mirror. except for the constantly runny nose without a cold its not all bad the emotional up and down is hectic but the feeling afterwards is amazing. Its constantly feeling as if im standing in a door stepping forward and backwards, higher and lower. Its not medication and its not lsd backflashes(i know how those feel aswell but anyway again) cause its emotional changes i can feel physically. Same as the spinning wheels in the front of my body(and my hands) that when they feel off balance i can start at the bottom and balance then from the bottom to the top, one by one in meditation with certain affirmations. I understand everything, i understand the bigger picture, it is really as if im recieving information from somewhere in sessions small enough to make it feel like my head is burning and my brain tearing but massive enough to shift my perspective, tiring but inspiring. But grasping it is like one of those chinese(i think it is-it could be japanese??)fingertraps, you have to let go and relax to grasp it cause the moment you focus and think about it too much it feels like its starting to slip away, dont think it feel. You cant solve it by analyzing it you have to feel it with your heart, your intuition and when you grasp it you cant stop talking not just to share but also to work through and really undertand for your own personal self and growth. I used to think im crazy but ive realized im far from. Just a pity the people i love and care for most thinks im crazy and ive lost it but since i understand there is no right or wrong the value of the experience is amazing. If you love yourself you love and accept others cause the things that annoy you in other people are the things that bother you about yourself so by loving and accepting yourself unconditionally you love and accept others more. But thats just my opionion and personal experience of a situation - and thats why we are here: a complete human experience, polarity integration...

'He was a dreamer, a thinker, a speculative philosopher... or, as his wife would have it, an idiot.'

Douglas Adams

The cure for addiction - again?

You know that overcoming addiction is actually alot easier than what shrinks and most people whos beliefs are based in 3d says it is. All that shit you constantly say in groups about 'being powerless over my fucking progressive disease'(good justification tho) and 'hi im neil and im a fuckup and a junkie' is bullshit. It took me 20yrs of addiction to figure out that is not a problem you can change by thinking, it doesnt matter how fucking clever you think you are - you cant out think this motherfucker of a thing(and i say thing with lots of respect cause this 'thing' raped, shaped, bent me over, broke me, showed me whos boss for years, had me in tears, contemplating suicide, a heroin overdose sounds like a romantic why to end this miserable thing you call an existance and then the awakening - lots of respect). You can only change it by the way you see and feel - about yourself and about the world. Cause if you can understand that you(your body) is a physical manifestation of the sumtotal of your emotions and how you feel about yourself and your life is a reflection of the way you feel about the world then its not that complicated - now its not that difficult to see where the fuckup comes in? Then all you have to do is shift your focus; from how shit and fucked up it is to be addicted and trust me; i know how fucking difficult it is to see a single ray of light or goodness while you are struggling aroung in the gutters for weeks on end and really hating every single fucking second of your existance and death sounds so amazing but youre actually more worried about where your next hit will come from or you try to OD but realize you still have a hit for later so death is not a option or even nodding way too fucking deep and hitting your chest to get a heartbeat, jump up...water, ice, cold, run and slap the shit out of yourself but you wanted to die about 10 times today already but anyway - how amazing this thing we call addiction but anyway. So now you really have to shift your focus from all that shit to how amazing it is to be(not want to be but is) clean and healthy and even if you can just focus on how amazing it is to be clean and healthy for 30sec then youve started opening that energy vortex in your life and over time from constantly focussing on the good part(take my word for it)it shifts and the change starts. Its actually fucking crazy if you think about it cause you are so constantly consumed by all this negativity that you dont realize that your life is getting worse and worse cause of your negativity thats consuming you and just dragging you down deeper and deeper. You have to step out of it, its much easier thn what you might think it is. By constantly meddling in how shit it is and not doing anything about it we atrract it more and more. By loving yourself more and more the less harm you will attract to yourself and then when you get to loving yourself unconditionally you cant even believe it was a problem. The final let go is hard and tricky cause its a pattern that needs letting go of but its dooable. Love, love and more love. I mean...APPARENTLY i have depression and im bi-polar and i hve some syndrome where my brainsignals misfire, lots of medication and years later its nothing? By focussing on and feeding in it gets worse anything and everything. Psychiatry is the biggest money making scam out there and thats it. There is NO test for a chemical imbalance in anyones fucking brain, they name it, you feed into it meds and all and youre fucked. Big black dick up the arse, no lube, nowhere to hold on to just plain fucked. Now that im off all meds and i think straight i can see how out of it, fucked, medicated and miserable i constantly was(maybe i enjoyd it? Even the misery) Try it - you have nothing to lose? And im not selling the secret here and im not a student of the law of attraction but this really works cause unfortunately the law of attraction is on of the seven laws of the universe...


'Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it(even addiction).'

Confucius

11:11 another what the fuck

11:11 mysterious fucking time, why? I dont know? Lets see; every morning thats the time i randomly look at the clock, had a bike accident at 11:11 on a sunday morning, a car accident one saturday morning also the first time in my life i got knocked out but before i hit the windsreen i got a severe and hectic case of dejavu and then time, windscreen, metal-taste in mouth and out fucking cold, ill be riding along and looking into a car and on the clock...ta-da 11:11, i mean what the fuck? 12 strand DNA activation? starseed wakeup call? I really dont have a fucking clue but i know if i dont see it in a day then its an achievement - maybe im stubborn or just fast asleep, i dont know, actually i dont know much these days. I know alot is changing, weird stuff happening, acid flashbacks? Holes in my brain from all the meth? Paranoid from too much columbian marching powder or just plain fucked up of all the H? I actually dont know? I know the fullmoon really fucks me up harder and harder everytime round, i know i can look deep into myself and have these memories of different times and places, sometimes faint and sometimes in HD right here, taste, smell and so real you think you can touch. It probably sounds fuck korny and hectically paranoid - one of those illuminati is chacing me read one too many conspiracy theories and chowed way too much fuckin acid. Strange fucking days...

'We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves.'

Buddha

The lie we call life

How does one keep sane if you know evrything youve ever been taught is a fucking lie, that you actually have to go and look for the truth is scary but when it comes to you its sooo fucking liberating. Hey man, look on th bright side...it only took 20 years of addiction to get here, and heres where the problem comes in...anyone educated in the system that hears that will say im fried from all the button smoking, freebasing, scharfing coke, mdma, lsd, magic mushrooms, shooting h, sniffing glue, ganja, meth and everything that gives a buzz(sorry i had to give them more evidence to say im fucked or fried) but i know whats going on inside me, i can feel the emotional cleansing, it literally feels like layers of negativity being pulled out or off me, then tired as hell - fall asleep, wake up, feel like a million bucks and a new person. The change is sorta like the change you go through when you trip, come down, cry, wanna kill everyone, wanna kill yourself, wanna kill yourself again, eventually fall asleep and wake up, that same change BUT only with a deeper understanding. Snotty nose, full moon fucks me up harder than normal but so does no moon - GOD u cant win. First learning to love unconditionally than letting go of hate, then fear, getting understanding, and the way i see and feel about the world is changing more and more as im changing with everything i learn and understand. Alone? Yes! Difficult? Definately! Worth it? You dont understand! So amazing to love yourself, feel the balance in your chakras and life and loving every second of the experience just dreading those cleaning phases. Much faster and closer toghether as at the beginning and the cleansing part actually shook my body lastnight like a heroin cold turkey an then? I saw my soul, my real self not the reflection of me emotions that manifest in the 3rd dimention that i see when i look in th mirror, the whole thing, beauty, love and understanding, amazing and aweinspiring. Letting go of everything just makes you lighter and the world so much brighter...crazy but amazing!!

'none but ourself can free our minds'

Bob Marley - Redemtion song

You just have to love life

You know you get those days where everything is just fucking wrong, it doesnt matter which way you look at it, things are just fucked up. You can try and convince yourself a million fucking times a minute that every cloud has a silver lining blah-blah-cliche but i dont fucking see it. Some serious shit bothering me and i dont have a fucking clue as to what it is? Just not in the mood for anything, sitting starving my ass off but not in the mood to lift my ass and walk 10 fucking measly steps to th kitchen not even to mention getting up in the 1st fucking place. All i wanna do is cry? no tears, scream? too much effort, punch the wall? no energy and then that getting up thing again, moan and bitch in someones ears? not in the mood for people. I mean what the fucking? Im sitting here writing cause im not in the mood for people? For fuck sakes, im starting to depress myself even more. Going insane, were here to experience pain? Crazy ass shit, yip, thats about it. Losing my mind, still feel like the only one of my kind, on this fucking planet i dont belong, you must be a dumbass not to see that basically everything here is wrong. The system is fucking us hard, wouldnt even know where to start.. Dont have a fucking clue why im going on about shit anyway, fuck that mission. I mean what fucking difference does it make anyway. Im not even making sense to myself, now i know how people feel most of the time aswell as understanding all the 'what the fuck??' stares i get-wow! Anyway...whatever and who cares...

Cockblocking myself

One day you'll know everything or so they say? So you should just wait and believe everything you are sold untill that fucking day?
Why would anyone fuck themselves over this way, i mean for fucksakes; this shit isn't childsplay? Fucked in the head? Life full of regret? Fighting all fucking day long? God dammit this shit makes you strong? But it also fucks you up one time, even worst for you than pink slime. Deep inside you start rotting at the core; and then? All you want is more? Crazy shit! Jip, thatsit!
Complete totally and utterly fucked praying for a new day. Really? Are you trying to pray this shit away! Not happening, well definately not today. How many times more? When am I gonna end up lifeless on the fucking floor? I promise you its not worth all this aches and pain and anyone else wouldve long ago gone insane. Always chasing the clock. Tick-fucking-tock. Run, make a mission - just keep the cold-turkey away. Same thing over and over day by day. Heroine, smack, junk, H even horse, call it what you want either way you'll end up with so much fucking remorse. So much to give and so much to loose so sit back, nod, pass out and snooze.
Day in and day out you are worried about dying but constantly about youre health you are lying? Cramps, aches and pains and at all not well, no one knows cause they're not even remotely aware of my hell. Constantly stoned out of my mind, dont worry - im not the only one of my kind. All pin eyed and zombiefaced - brain and blood completely with opiates laced. Story of my life? Constant strife? Saddest part is that I know one choice will take all this shit away and then once and all end this game of russian roulette that i sooo badly like to play. Braindead, sick needle obsession in my head. Fear of needles long gone now that shit gets used for fun? What the fuck! jesus christ! I need more than just luck!!!


'I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be.'

Douglas Adams

Hallelujah and amen

This excited in my life ive never been, cause for the last couple of years only the bad side of everything ive seen. Since i can think for myself ive been convinced that im crazy, cause people didnt understand my priorities and way of thinking they thought i was a misfit...lazy. Always and forever longing and feeling out of place, knowing my home's not here but somewhere far off in a completely different time and space. While i talk i can constantly see people shaking their head, and if they could - the sense i talk theyd rather ignore and or try to forget? People do not like it if you question their beliefs and start saking and pointing out the holes in its base. Well? While conversing with me that is constantly the case. Girlfriends, doctors, psyciatrists and here and there the odd shrink, call me crazy, leave me, refer me, lock me up and medicate me to the brink. Tablets to sleep, tablets to stop all this thinking, tablets to numb out these extreme emotions i feel, a handfull of smarties in the morning and another handfull at night - are you for real?
Then all of a sudden things started moving fast, not sure how long this period of change is gonna last, thinking and feeling so much it literally feels like im tearing my brain, after which i cant keep my eyes open - falling asleep while thinking i just went insane. Opening my eyes as if im waking up to a brand new day, pain and negativity gone and alot of positive changes that stay. Changing in leaps and bounds! Trust me its even more scary and amazing than what it sounds.
More and more people awakening out their spiritual slumber every single day, energy and the search for truth pulling them my way. This morning at 2 while staring at the stars in the sky, tears started rolling over my cheeks and out of sheer relief i started to cry. Realizing that for all these years i wasnt wrong! And the only thing all the opposition did was help me grow more and made me strong. Always coincidently looking at the clock at 11:11, get this shiver through your body and then it feels like you are at one with love - in heaven. To the great conciousness an amazing link, sometimes it feels like im downloading data - cant tell that one to a shrink? Closing my eyes and doing a backflip deep into the deep darkness inside me, how far i can go? i cant wait to see. Feels like someone is trying contact me as a guide, have to get in touch and sit back and enjoy the ride. If you really comprehend and understand there is really no right or wrong, youll just get excited, relax and go right along. If one detail was different in my life today i wouldnt be where i am: death, abuse, beatings, hate, anger, losing myself, a joint, a hit even a gram. Understanding that releases so hectically you can literally feel your body shift, sometimes it moves together or even apart it can drift. The second i let go of all my neagtivity and fear, immediately my new reality was manifested and here. And now for the first time hope for humanity's future i see, cause if everyone is gonna change this way and start thinking like me, then only positive, loving, caring and beautiful potential the future will hold, rule our own destiny, reach our full individual aswell as collective potential and never again any one by anyone else will be told. This is the time that the illuminati fears and they shudve known this mass awakening is coming for years..


'The way is not in the sky. The way is in the heart.'

Buddha