I completely understand the feeling that addicts get that leads you to believe that once you are addicted using becomes sorta like second nature, i was addicted to chemicals for nearly 20 years and its only my 33rd birthday next month. The 1st time i smoked a button(mandrax tablet, qualude), i literally opened my eyes after the 1st hit i ever took and the 1st thought that crossed my mind was 'i wanna feel like this for the rest of my life' and thats what i went for. Needless to say it was straight downhill from there (the same with rocks, schnarf, meth and basically anything and everything that gives a buzz)and then i met the love of my life: smack and altho i was still using everything else smack became like cigarettes - its something i always had and made sure that i always had and if i was close to running out ill make a plan to get or start panicking if there was no plan to be made(running when you are sick is not my idea of fun but a mans gotta do what a mans gotta do). You dont count money in currency units, you count it in units of 1st mandrax, then it went to rocks, grams and as time progressed eventually bags. Open my eyes in the morning due to this horrible feeling of anxiety manifesting in my stomach, at one stage it was so bad that when i opened my eyes in the morning i lit a smoke and took a hit before even getting out of bed and if i didnt have that hit i had to literally drag myself into a shower, a 15min walk to work took nearly an hour and a half and then die at work untill my man showed up, i was in such a deep hole that i used to only use the crapper on sundays(that was my designated toilet day)and having to wait that 2 or 3 hours for my stomach to go was like hell, sweating, vomitting yellow bile, shivering and sneezing. I used to FEAR the thought of going cold turkey and all my attempts usually lasted no longer than 6 maybe 8 hours and that was my cleantime, so i understand how most people can think and feel like its something you do without even thinking about it. It took me 10years(2yrs chasing and schnarfing and 8yrs of shooting)to realize that all that 'hi im neil and im an addict, ill always be an addict and powerlessness' are extremely negative and powerfull words and you are binding yourself and pulling yourself down more. I do admit you have to plan breaking this routine very carefully yet before you 'throw a spanner in the works, pull up the handbrake' call it what you want you have to make the change within yourself cause this negative and self-destructive behaviour is due to the way you see/feel about yourself and the world. If you realize how reality is created and you completely understand it then it is so much easier to just let go. Im no 'captain recovery' or any shit like that yet i dont even take meds anymore, i was literally chowing pax(valiums) and subutex tablets like it was going out of fashion. And at the end of it all i just changed my mind about myself and the world and everything just got better. I cant even look at my other blog anymore, all the 'poems' that i didnt finish and got saved to my drafts(nearly 200), i cant even finish cause 1stly: i cant believe how negative and twisted my mindset was and never ever want to go there again and 2ndly: i cant and dont want to think that negatively about anything especially myself and my life again. Its just about changing the way you see and feel about yourself and the world and the rest will sort itself out. If anyone used to mention my addiction or ask out about it i used to give a reply that usually went someting like: its complicated. The only reason why it was complicated is cause i complicated it for myself...
Please remember i didnt write this to impress anyone, i really dont even know anyone who commented on my previous posts altho i really sincerely hope it will help someone to get back to being themself. Im still in awe how easy it was at the end of the day to just stop all my shit and break the habit. If it sounds cocky in any way, i promise it is not my intention.
'Experience is not what happens to you; it's what you do with what happens to you.'
Aldous Huxley
