Saturday, 28 December 2013
Finally when i stop trying to figure out what the problem is and i just let go then ill see a pattern in my life thats been holding me back without me even being aware of it: parents' broken dreams, education, religion, race and then it lets go - it started leaving through my solar-plexus and now its all the way at my third eye already. When i figure out what the fuck it leaves me but i feel it 'filling up' my feet and then moving and cramping itself out all the way to the chakra through which it 'leaves' my life. Feeling lighter and better afterwards?? Not a clue what the fuck but am i the only person experiencing this? And if yes? Am i losing my fucking mind???
'All wrong-doing arises because of mind. If mind is transformed can wrong-doing remain?'
Tuesday, 19 November 2013
'I found it hard.
It was hard to find.
Oh well, whatever, nevermind...'
Nirvana - Smells like teen spirit
Sunday, 3 November 2013
'Even in a minority of one the truth is still the truth'
Monday, 23 September 2013
'Just as a candle cannot burn without fire, men cannot live without a spiritual life.'
'There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way, and not starting.'
Tuesday, 17 September 2013
'In the sky, there is no distinction of east and west; people create distinctions out of their own minds and then believe them to be true.'
Sunday, 18 August 2013
'Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.'
Wednesday, 31 July 2013
'You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.'
Sunday, 28 July 2013
'Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Friday, 26 July 2013
'He was a dreamer, a thinker, a speculative philosopher... or, as his wife would have it, an idiot.'
Thursday, 25 July 2013
You know that overcoming addiction is actually alot easier than what shrinks and most people whos beliefs are based in 3d says it is. All that shit you constantly say in groups about 'being powerless over my fucking progressive disease'(good justification tho) and 'hi im neil and im a fuckup and a junkie' is bullshit. It took me 20yrs of addiction to figure out that is not a problem you can change by thinking, it doesnt matter how fucking clever you think you are - you cant out think this motherfucker of a thing(and i say thing with lots of respect cause this 'thing' raped, shaped, bent me over, broke me, showed me whos boss for years, had me in tears, contemplating suicide, a heroin overdose sounds like a romantic why to end this miserable thing you call an existance and then the awakening - lots of respect). You can only change it by the way you see and feel - about yourself and about the world. Cause if you can understand that you(your body) is a physical manifestation of the sumtotal of your emotions and how you feel about yourself and your life is a reflection of the way you feel about the world then its not that complicated - now its not that difficult to see where the fuckup comes in? Then all you have to do is shift your focus; from how shit and fucked up it is to be addicted and trust me; i know how fucking difficult it is to see a single ray of light or goodness while you are struggling aroung in the gutters for weeks on end and really hating every single fucking second of your existance and death sounds so amazing but youre actually more worried about where your next hit will come from or you try to OD but realize you still have a hit for later so death is not a option or even nodding way too fucking deep and hitting your chest to get a heartbeat, jump up...water, ice, cold, run and slap the shit out of yourself but you wanted to die about 10 times today already but anyway - how amazing this thing we call addiction but anyway. So now you really have to shift your focus from all that shit to how amazing it is to be(not want to be but is) clean and healthy and even if you can just focus on how amazing it is to be clean and healthy for 30sec then youve started opening that energy vortex in your life and over time from constantly focussing on the good part(take my word for it)it shifts and the change starts. Its actually fucking crazy if you think about it cause you are so constantly consumed by all this negativity that you dont realize that your life is getting worse and worse cause of your negativity thats consuming you and just dragging you down deeper and deeper. You have to step out of it, its much easier thn what you might think it is. By constantly meddling in how shit it is and not doing anything about it we atrract it more and more. By loving yourself more and more the less harm you will attract to yourself and then when you get to loving yourself unconditionally you cant even believe it was a problem. The final let go is hard and tricky cause its a pattern that needs letting go of but its dooable. Love, love and more love. I mean...APPARENTLY i have depression and im bi-polar and i hve some syndrome where my brainsignals misfire, lots of medication and years later its nothing? By focussing on and feeding in it gets worse anything and everything. Psychiatry is the biggest money making scam out there and thats it. There is NO test for a chemical imbalance in anyones fucking brain, they name it, you feed into it meds and all and youre fucked. Big black dick up the arse, no lube, nowhere to hold on to just plain fucked. Now that im off all meds and i think straight i can see how out of it, fucked, medicated and miserable i constantly was(maybe i enjoyd it? Even the misery) Try it - you have nothing to lose? And im not selling the secret here and im not a student of the law of attraction but this really works cause unfortunately the law of attraction is on of the seven laws of the universe...
'Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it(even addiction).'
'Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it(even addiction).'
Friday, 19 July 2013
'We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves.'
Wednesday, 17 July 2013
'none but ourself can free our minds'
Bob Marley - Redemtion song
Sunday, 30 June 2013
You know you get those days where everything is just fucking wrong, it doesnt matter which way you look at it, things are just fucked up. You can try and convince yourself a million fucking times a minute that every cloud has a silver lining blah-blah-cliche but i dont fucking see it. Some serious shit bothering me and i dont have a fucking clue as to what it is? Just not in the mood for anything, sitting starving my ass off but not in the mood to lift my ass and walk 10 fucking measly steps to th kitchen not even to mention getting up in the 1st fucking place. All i wanna do is cry? no tears, scream? too much effort, punch the wall? no energy and then that getting up thing again, moan and bitch in someones ears? not in the mood for people. I mean what the fucking? Im sitting here writing cause im not in the mood for people? For fuck sakes, im starting to depress myself even more. Going insane, were here to experience pain? Crazy ass shit, yip, thats about it. Losing my mind, still feel like the only one of my kind, on this fucking planet i dont belong, you must be a dumbass not to see that basically everything here is wrong. The system is fucking us hard, wouldnt even know where to start.. Dont have a fucking clue why im going on about shit anyway, fuck that mission. I mean what fucking difference does it make anyway. Im not even making sense to myself, now i know how people feel most of the time aswell as understanding all the 'what the fuck??' stares i get-wow! Anyway...whatever and who cares...
Tuesday, 14 May 2013
Why would anyone fuck themselves over this way, i mean for fucksakes; this shit isn't childsplay? Fucked in the head? Life full of regret? Fighting all fucking day long? God dammit this shit makes you strong? But it also fucks you up one time, even worst for you than pink slime. Deep inside you start rotting at the core; and then? All you want is more? Crazy shit! Jip, thatsit!
Complete totally and utterly fucked praying for a new day. Really? Are you trying to pray this shit away! Not happening, well definately not today. How many times more? When am I gonna end up lifeless on the fucking floor? I promise you its not worth all this aches and pain and anyone else wouldve long ago gone insane. Always chasing the clock. Tick-fucking-tock. Run, make a mission - just keep the cold-turkey away. Same thing over and over day by day. Heroine, smack, junk, H even horse, call it what you want either way you'll end up with so much fucking remorse. So much to give and so much to loose so sit back, nod, pass out and snooze.
Day in and day out you are worried about dying but constantly about youre health you are lying? Cramps, aches and pains and at all not well, no one knows cause they're not even remotely aware of my hell. Constantly stoned out of my mind, dont worry - im not the only one of my kind. All pin eyed and zombiefaced - brain and blood completely with opiates laced. Story of my life? Constant strife? Saddest part is that I know one choice will take all this shit away and then once and all end this game of russian roulette that i sooo badly like to play. Braindead, sick needle obsession in my head. Fear of needles long gone now that shit gets used for fun? What the fuck! jesus christ! I need more than just luck!!!
'I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be.'
Sunday, 5 May 2013
Then all of a sudden things started moving fast, not sure how long this period of change is gonna last, thinking and feeling so much it literally feels like im tearing my brain, after which i cant keep my eyes open - falling asleep while thinking i just went insane. Opening my eyes as if im waking up to a brand new day, pain and negativity gone and alot of positive changes that stay. Changing in leaps and bounds! Trust me its even more scary and amazing than what it sounds.
More and more people awakening out their spiritual slumber every single day, energy and the search for truth pulling them my way. This morning at 2 while staring at the stars in the sky, tears started rolling over my cheeks and out of sheer relief i started to cry. Realizing that for all these years i wasnt wrong! And the only thing all the opposition did was help me grow more and made me strong. Always coincidently looking at the clock at 11:11, get this shiver through your body and then it feels like you are at one with love - in heaven. To the great conciousness an amazing link, sometimes it feels like im downloading data - cant tell that one to a shrink? Closing my eyes and doing a backflip deep into the deep darkness inside me, how far i can go? i cant wait to see. Feels like someone is trying contact me as a guide, have to get in touch and sit back and enjoy the ride. If you really comprehend and understand there is really no right or wrong, youll just get excited, relax and go right along. If one detail was different in my life today i wouldnt be where i am: death, abuse, beatings, hate, anger, losing myself, a joint, a hit even a gram. Understanding that releases so hectically you can literally feel your body shift, sometimes it moves together or even apart it can drift. The second i let go of all my neagtivity and fear, immediately my new reality was manifested and here. And now for the first time hope for humanity's future i see, cause if everyone is gonna change this way and start thinking like me, then only positive, loving, caring and beautiful potential the future will hold, rule our own destiny, reach our full individual aswell as collective potential and never again any one by anyone else will be told. This is the time that the illuminati fears and they shudve known this mass awakening is coming for years..
'The way is not in the sky. The way is in the heart.'
Monday, 22 April 2013
What else left to say? Please take this pain away? Cutting and ripping flesh from bone and skin, looking back for answers to questions like: where did this shit actually begin? How in the name of god did you fall into this trap? And how the fuck can one get addicted to this crap? Cause i promise you that this shit is really not a smidgen of fun, constantly craving, missioning, scoring and always on the run. Saddest part is that this one isn't a 'want' but a 'need', with an added bonus of constant cravings you have to feed. Normality and sobriety is a strangeness you fear - while you start losing your mind when cold-turkey draws near. Whole life and schedule planned around using? And its one of the things in life you are not choosing, not in control in any way, like a game of russian roulette with 5 bullets to play. Fearing the sweat that starts breaking and covers your back - trickeling in an uncomfortable stream down through your crack. Shivering and sneezing and for your mood there is just no pleasing. Everythings wrong and nothing is right, miserable, edgy, short-tempered and all you want to do is fight. Not even enough energy to lift your ass though. Vision gone, systyem fucked and reflexes from non-exsistant to very extremely slow. Millions of lost thoughts scattered all over nowhere, no way in life for this hell to prepare: you quickly pick it up as you go along, and the moment you had it everything just went pearshaped and wrong. The hate, struggling and suffering nearly kills you and that makes you hard, agressive and cold, it feels as if your soul to the devil you sold. A part of you forever lost and the rest changed; everything else is fucked and totally and completely rearranged. Change, change, change! But you believe normality is strange? Once again no sense in what im writing? thinking so hard my lip im biting? All i know is now i have to turn it around, fix everything and do it right. With everything that i have, love and hold dear put up one last fight...
'No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path.'
'No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path.'
Sunday, 21 April 2013
Sometimes this whole life feels like a deep and dark dream. A perpetual state of deja-vu, familiarity, something youve experieced, felt and seen. Really not too much left to say, just going forward trying to make the best of every day? Charging myself up as positively and as much as i can, constantly bullshitting myself and telling myself that Im the fucking man!
Deep dark foggy memories swamped with anger and pain, constantly up the wall and driving me completely insane. Never ever thinking that youre gonna see the end of this shit, death seems like an answer but no, thats not it? A bit extreme and dramatic i might say, especially when you might feel different about it the next day? Fucked in the head? Atleast i have no regrets?
'Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance.'
Friday, 19 April 2013
'The more I see the less I know for sure.'
Thursday, 18 April 2013
'Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.'
Monday, 15 April 2013
'In this bright future you can't forget your past.'
Bob Marley - No woman no cry
Sunday, 14 April 2013
"A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself."
Saturday, 13 April 2013
'Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth.'
Friday, 12 April 2013
'The basic thing nobody asks is why do people take drugs of any sort? Why do we have these accessories to normal living to live? I mean, is there something wrong with society that's making us so pressurized, that we cannot live without guarding ourselves against it?'
Thursday, 11 April 2013
Have an arguement with yourself and loose? Its a fucking miracle i dont drown all my sorrows in booze. I dont think there is any sense in what ive written here? Atleast about that fact im being honest and sincere? Still writing on without a fucking clue? It will probably make sense to someone who sniffs a bit of glue?
See what im saying is true about the not making sense? Gawd! Whoever reads this will probably think im quite dense? But i dont actually give a fuck what anyone thinks about me, aslong as you just let me the fuck be. Just chill the fuck out and go and play, is it too much to ask for peace and quiet for a single day?
Brains fried, tear ducts dried, long long day, please just go away. Time will tell, heaven or hell...
"The things you own end up owning you. It's only after you lose everything that you're free to do anything."
Chuck Palahniuk , Fight Club
Wednesday, 10 April 2013
'We have normality. I repeat, we have normality. Anything you still can't cope with is therefore your own problem.'
'Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.'
Tuesday, 9 April 2013
So confusion is the order of the day while one is slowly waking up or rapidly opening up in stages beyond comprehension - the trick is not to fight it and dont try to force it either (sorta like a fingertrap) but unfortunately for those who are not aware of what is happening to them (they just feel depressed, annoyed, irritated and sometimes completely out of it - usually when there is a full moon). Altho the fact they dont know what is happening to them is helping them wake up faster it might also force them to seek professional help which unfortunately in the system doesnt reconize things like sound, vibration, conciousness, spirituality, i mean gawd it doesnt even reconize the fact you have chackras (which play such an important part on our mental and physical health) and you can measure your chakras using a crystal. Doctors don't solve the problem they try to put together a general idea of whats wrong with your 3rd dimentional physical body and try to match it to what he got hammered into believing diseases are and if he cant numb you out enough with valium(which makes u stop feeling and growing) then its off to the shrink we go and immediately its depression or bi-polar - now you feed into the idea that you are depressed or bi-polar and the brain is so strong in that sense that it overrides all logic (or whatever you see as logic in your reality or whatever the system or education told you reality should be?) and now you just get worse and worse until you get to the point of being referred to the big gun, the psyciatrist, the one that has the power to really numb you out with meds if they cant convince you into being better. Im depressed, im bi-polar, gawd everythng is just wrong in my life (cause by now you've convinced youself you are suicidal and no! Stay away man,im crazy...look into these crazy eyes type of thing) and then he just thinks: ah, how do we numb this out? Not, how do we solve this? No, schedule 6 the good stuff, also the stuff where it feels you walk next to yourself and you have these long dreams that continue everytime after you wake up and fall asleep again and at the end of the day what do we have? A person thats busy waking up on a spiritual level but due to modern medicine is zonked out of his or her mind and reality is just a vague dream - and thats what they wanted from the beginning, that is exactly why the system is set up the way it is. If you live above this dimention it means you are in the 4th dimention 'time' and what that means is that you can basically see that it doesnt exist, and if you have evolved thru the complete understanding of the fact that time is relevant then youll be able to see that the past, present and future are happening at excactly the same time and youll be able to set up plans accordingly sorta like from the 'william shakepear conspiricy' (i kinda like how evrything these days that goes against what the system wants us to think conveniently gets labeled: 'conspiricy' but anyway) to Hollywood today - you might think to yourself what the hell does the one have to do with the other? Thats how a plan over ages would look and work if you didnt have time as a hurdle, start something that creates a huge divide and watch it grow and blossom into the modern version of 'the holy bush' but anyway that another story). And now most people who are waking out of this slumber gets knocked right back because the basis for our understanding, the 'education' system gives us a base to build on and this doesnt teach us anything meta-physical. Its simple: if you cant touch or measure it it simply doesnt exist, so anything above and beyond what we got taught is normal you ignore otherwise you get laughed at for being crazy? And we wonder why the world is in the mess it is in? Even though we were conned into believing that everything we got taught is right and fact we need to break out of this prison of lies we are all locked in. Stop giving our powwer away and start thinking for ourselves and only then when you find the truth, the meaning of life, the big mystery which isnt actually that much of a mystery, then only will you be free...
'Life is one big road with lots of signs. So when you riding through the ruts, don't complicate your mind. Flee from hate, mischief and jealousy. Don't bury your thoughts, put your vision to reality. Wake Up and Live!'
Sunday, 7 April 2013
'Our greatest glory is not in never falling, butin rising every time we fall.'
Saturday, 23 February 2013
'The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.'
Thursday, 21 February 2013
So many times have i seen the writing on the wall, oh how many times did the mighty fall. Paradise lost and found, maybe i can keep it this time round? For once just know which way i am actually heading, instead of always sitting, hating, regetting...
So many 'what if's' constantly in your head floating around, trust me is much fucking worse than what it sounds. Always picking on festering sores freventing them from healing, over and over hating the time and innosense that this shit was constantly stealing...
'Time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted.'
Tuesday, 19 February 2013
'Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.'