'Look at your world and your life and you are looking at what you think of yourself at the very core of your being'
Friday, 26 July 2013
Feeling so weird, so different; it feels like my feet are on the ground but my head is 'higher' than normal(concidering my history thats quite ironic i suppose), light seems brighter, everything looks lighter and i know it might sound strange but its not my brain thats fried(i know how that feels - trust me...completely different but anyway). Got confirmation from my higher self(not my high self) im not crazy but no one else seems to believe me and this sparks alot of emotional ups and downs and then it just starts building and building and it feels like i wanna tear something, punch something, throttle someone...and then from my heart it feels like the emotion is soaking through my body and when its everywhere inside me it feels like it gets pulled out of me. Immediately i feel lighter and better but so tired i cant keep my eyes open, fall asleep, wake up and feel like a million bucks. It started weeks apart but started getting more and more frequent and closer and closer together. Sometimes from the soles of my feet it feels like something is building inside me slowly and gradually moving up and up, layer upon layer untill it reaches the top of my head - feel weird, tired, cant move, dont want to get up, cant sleep and eventually fall asleep, wake up new and different person. When this all started it felt like a light shining down into the middle of my head and into my brain, all of a sudden it feels like im downloading something, face pulling, head shaking, thinking so badly untill it feels like my brain tears, so tired cant keep my eyes open, fall asleep, wake up a different person and this has also happened more than once, exactly the same feeling. Generally im healthy & dont believe in cold sores and headaches but the other day i had the worse headache (and two weeks after the same), it was so bad that i threw up like the fat guy in monty python's meaning of life but it felt like something(a drop to be excact) was squeezing its way throught the exact middle of my brain, after the pain that felt like my head was exploding was done and the 'drop' was through; wherever it touched or was absorbed into it looked and felt like soft pieces of a reflection of light in a broken mirror. except for the constantly runny nose without a cold its not all bad the emotional up and down is hectic but the feeling afterwards is amazing. Its constantly feeling as if im standing in a door stepping forward and backwards, higher and lower. Its not medication and its not lsd backflashes(i know how those feel aswell but anyway again) cause its emotional changes i can feel physically. Same as the spinning wheels in the front of my body(and my hands) that when they feel off balance i can start at the bottom and balance then from the bottom to the top, one by one in meditation with certain affirmations. I understand everything, i understand the bigger picture, it is really as if im recieving information from somewhere in sessions small enough to make it feel like my head is burning and my brain tearing but massive enough to shift my perspective, tiring but inspiring. But grasping it is like one of those chinese(i think it is-it could be japanese??)fingertraps, you have to let go and relax to grasp it cause the moment you focus and think about it too much it feels like its starting to slip away, dont think it feel. You cant solve it by analyzing it you have to feel it with your heart, your intuition and when you grasp it you cant stop talking not just to share but also to work through and really undertand for your own personal self and growth. I used to think im crazy but ive realized im far from. Just a pity the people i love and care for most thinks im crazy and ive lost it but since i understand there is no right or wrong the value of the experience is amazing. If you love yourself you love and accept others cause the things that annoy you in other people are the things that bother you about yourself so by loving and accepting yourself unconditionally you love and accept others more. But thats just my opionion and personal experience of a situation - and thats why we are here: a complete human experience, polarity integration...
'He was a dreamer, a thinker, a speculative philosopher... or, as his wife would have it, an idiot.'