Saturday, 3 November 2012

To reply on the comments

I completely understand the feeling that addicts get that leads you to believe that once you are addicted using becomes sorta like second nature, i was addicted to chemicals for nearly 20 years and its only my 33rd birthday next month. The 1st time i smoked a button(mandrax tablet, qualude), i literally opened my eyes after the 1st hit i ever took and the 1st thought that crossed my mind was 'i wanna feel like this for the rest of my life' and thats what i went for. Needless to say it was straight downhill from there (the same with rocks, schnarf, meth and basically anything and everything that gives a buzz)and then i met the love of my life: smack and altho i was still using everything else smack became like cigarettes - its something i always had and made sure that i always had and if i was close to running out ill make a plan to get or start panicking if there was no plan to be made(running when you are sick is not my idea of fun but a mans gotta do what a mans gotta do). You dont count money in currency units, you count it in units of 1st mandrax, then it went to rocks, grams and as time progressed eventually bags. Open my eyes in the morning due to this horrible feeling of anxiety manifesting in my stomach, at one stage it was so bad that when i opened my eyes in the morning i lit a smoke and took a hit before even getting out of bed and if i didnt have that hit i had to literally drag myself into a shower, a 15min walk to work took nearly an hour and a half and then die at work untill my man showed up, i was in such a deep hole that i used to only use the crapper on sundays(that was my designated toilet day)and having to wait that 2 or 3 hours for my stomach to go was like hell, sweating, vomitting yellow bile, shivering and sneezing. I used to FEAR the thought of going cold turkey and all my attempts usually lasted no longer than 6 maybe 8 hours and that was my cleantime, so i understand how most people can think and feel like its something you do without even thinking about it. It took me 10years(2yrs chasing and schnarfing and 8yrs of shooting)to realize that all that 'hi im neil and im an addict, ill always be an addict and powerlessness' are extremely negative and powerfull words and you are binding yourself and pulling yourself down more. I do admit you have to plan breaking this routine very carefully yet before you 'throw a spanner in the works, pull up the handbrake' call it what you want you have to make the change within yourself cause this negative and self-destructive behaviour is due to the way you see/feel about yourself and the world. If you realize how reality is created and you completely understand it then it is so much easier to just let go. Im no 'captain recovery' or any shit like that yet i dont even take meds anymore, i was literally chowing pax(valiums) and subutex tablets like it was going out of fashion. And at the end of it all i just changed my mind about myself and the world and everything just got better. I cant even look at my other blog anymore, all the 'poems' that i didnt finish and got saved to my drafts(nearly 200), i cant even finish cause 1stly: i cant believe how negative and twisted my mindset was and never ever want to go there again and 2ndly: i cant and dont want to think that negatively about anything especially myself and my life again. Its just about changing the way you see and feel about yourself and the world and the rest will sort itself out. If anyone used to mention my addiction or ask out about it i used to give a reply that usually went someting like: its complicated. The only reason why it was complicated is cause i complicated it for myself...

Please remember i didnt write this to impress anyone, i really dont even know anyone who commented on my previous posts altho i really sincerely hope it will help someone to get back to being themself. Im still in awe how easy it was at the end of the day to just stop all my shit and break the habit. If it sounds cocky in any way, i promise it is not my intention.

'Experience is not what happens to you; it's what you do with what happens to you.'

Aldous Huxley

Tuesday, 23 October 2012


Continuing to live life as a victim of circumstanse, forever focusing on what's wrong with everything and everybody will never ever bring the life desired - it will only bring one thing: more of whatever it is we're wanting so desperately to change. So if we've been in a constant search for ways to fix all the things around us we don't like, or even if we have allowed them to be there but still haven't liked them, then we've been in a constant state of focusing on what we haven't wanted. For years! So intensely conditioned to focus only on the negatives and nothing else, generation upon generation being programmed completely, totally and utterly wrong, literally from the day we were born, this poison has been spoonfed to us with all the love and good intentions that who ever it is that raised us has in their hearts(if you are one of the lucky ones that is, otherwise it got viciously screamed at and or violently beaten into you, which also makes alot of sense as to why we have an even worse and more negative view of everything and everyone including yourself). Completely oblivious of the fact that from day one they have been imprisoning us with the generation upon generation of misinformation being passed from parent to child, lovingly and with so much care and patience. All their hates, fears and regrets imprinted in you not through their words alone but more importantly through their actions and the way they think and feel about themselves and the world being reflected into your reality without them even being aware of what they are doing, living and creating...

'Open your eyes, look within. Are you satisfied with the life you're living?'

Bob Marley - Exodus

Monday, 15 October 2012

Thought number...i dunno???

So much to say but i cant find the words, so much to do but i dont
know where to start. Such a radical change in my life in such a short
period of time. Litteraly went from dark to light in one realization,
not even a choice but a realization and after that things just started
falling into place. for the first time im excited about the future and
all the happiness and prosperity coming my way rather than making the
mistake about worrying about when im gonna fall into darkness again.
So much misery i caused for myself and so unnecessarily and the
saddest part of it all is that i wasnt even aware of what i was doing
to myself. Wallowing around im my self inflicted misery for so long,
pushing myself into this deep and dark groove while convincing myself
that i wasnt in control, nevermind being able to get out of it.
Hectically indoctrinated by all the negative thoughts and messages
being sold to me at the cost of my freedom and my soul with the sole
purpose of creating this stigma that i am powerless, have no control
over my life, my choices and my free will. Being spoon-fed so much
misinformation and feeding into it more and more as each day
progressed. So sad but so true...

'Our society is run by insane people for insane objectives. I think
we're being run by maniacs for maniacal ends and I think I'm liable to
be put away as insane for expressing that. That's what's insane about

John Lennon