Continuing to live life as a victim of circumstanse, forever focusing on what's wrong with everything and everybody will never ever bring the life desired - it will only bring one thing: more of whatever it is we're wanting so desperately to change. So if we've been in a constant search for ways to fix all the things around us we don't like, or even if we have allowed them to be there but still haven't liked them, then we've been in a constant state of focusing on what we haven't wanted. For years! So intensely conditioned to focus only on the negatives and nothing else, generation upon generation being programmed completely, totally and utterly wrong, literally from the day we were born, this poison has been spoonfed to us with all the love and good intentions that who ever it is that raised us has in their hearts(if you are one of the lucky ones that is, otherwise it got viciously screamed at and or violently beaten into you, which also makes alot of sense as to why we have an even worse and more negative view of everything and everyone including yourself). Completely oblivious of the fact that from day one they have been imprisoning us with the generation upon generation of misinformation being passed from parent to child, lovingly and with so much care and patience. All their hates, fears and regrets imprinted in you not through their words alone but more importantly through their actions and the way they think and feel about themselves and the world being reflected into your reality without them even being aware of what they are doing, living and creating...
'Open your eyes, look within. Are you satisfied with the life you're living?'
Bob Marley - Exodus
You know, during the most intense period of my addiction, when I could barely function without the gear (and methadone didn't help) I remember having this single flash of insight ~~ actually it was a memory of how I used to be and used to think; I never got addicted to heroin until age 28, so I did have some adult thinking years behind me ~~ I suddenly realized that I can control what I Think About. And I also remembered what I used to believe: that I might not have been able to change everything in my life, but I could certainly change my attitude towards it!
ReplyDeleteSometimes I haven't a clue how I could put these wondrous insights into effect. (They sound good though, (don't they~?!))
In your Retirement post you mention ineffectual psychiatrists and I've heard quite a few tales in NA about addicts in the lower levels of desperation and despair being told by psychiatrists there was nothing they could do to help them.
That's one single plus point about having a diagnostic label that says I'm "mentally ill" that if and when I do ever hit a really bad low, I hope I would (being bipolar) tick another psychiatric box apart from "addict" and there is hope, at least a tiny, flickering far far distant twinkle of hope that they might, just maybe, be able to do something for me.
I really don't know whether my own problems are "just the drugs" but I know they certainly started before the drugs ever became an issue (they started in childhood). But several people have said to me that if I can stop the drugs for good my mental instability might sort itself out on its own. True these are just normal people who say this: but it does sound commonsensical. So here's hoping!
Am I satisfied with the life I'm living? Well, no but I am actually working right now on changing it...
When I have success I will post about it.
I'm now down to the one single last remaining drug and that's Heroin. I don't even drink any more. If I could only get rid of Heroin, I would like to hope I could be OK...