Cockblocking myself

One day you'll know everything or so they say? So you should just wait and believe everything you are sold untill that fucking day?
Why would anyone fuck themselves over this way, i mean for fucksakes; this shit isn't childsplay? Fucked in the head? Life full of regret? Fighting all fucking day long? God dammit this shit makes you strong? But it also fucks you up one time, even worst for you than pink slime. Deep inside you start rotting at the core; and then? All you want is more? Crazy shit! Jip, thatsit!
Complete totally and utterly fucked praying for a new day. Really? Are you trying to pray this shit away! Not happening, well definately not today. How many times more? When am I gonna end up lifeless on the fucking floor? I promise you its not worth all this aches and pain and anyone else wouldve long ago gone insane. Always chasing the clock. Tick-fucking-tock. Run, make a mission - just keep the cold-turkey away. Same thing over and over day by day. Heroine, smack, junk, H even horse, call it what you want either way you'll end up with so much fucking remorse. So much to give and so much to loose so sit back, nod, pass out and snooze.
Day in and day out you are worried about dying but constantly about youre health you are lying? Cramps, aches and pains and at all not well, no one knows cause they're not even remotely aware of my hell. Constantly stoned out of my mind, dont worry - im not the only one of my kind. All pin eyed and zombiefaced - brain and blood completely with opiates laced. Story of my life? Constant strife? Saddest part is that I know one choice will take all this shit away and then once and all end this game of russian roulette that i sooo badly like to play. Braindead, sick needle obsession in my head. Fear of needles long gone now that shit gets used for fun? What the fuck! jesus christ! I need more than just luck!!!


'I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be.'

Douglas Adams

Hallelujah and amen

This excited in my life ive never been, cause for the last couple of years only the bad side of everything ive seen. Since i can think for myself ive been convinced that im crazy, cause people didnt understand my priorities and way of thinking they thought i was a misfit...lazy. Always and forever longing and feeling out of place, knowing my home's not here but somewhere far off in a completely different time and space. While i talk i can constantly see people shaking their head, and if they could - the sense i talk theyd rather ignore and or try to forget? People do not like it if you question their beliefs and start saking and pointing out the holes in its base. Well? While conversing with me that is constantly the case. Girlfriends, doctors, psyciatrists and here and there the odd shrink, call me crazy, leave me, refer me, lock me up and medicate me to the brink. Tablets to sleep, tablets to stop all this thinking, tablets to numb out these extreme emotions i feel, a handfull of smarties in the morning and another handfull at night - are you for real?
Then all of a sudden things started moving fast, not sure how long this period of change is gonna last, thinking and feeling so much it literally feels like im tearing my brain, after which i cant keep my eyes open - falling asleep while thinking i just went insane. Opening my eyes as if im waking up to a brand new day, pain and negativity gone and alot of positive changes that stay. Changing in leaps and bounds! Trust me its even more scary and amazing than what it sounds.
More and more people awakening out their spiritual slumber every single day, energy and the search for truth pulling them my way. This morning at 2 while staring at the stars in the sky, tears started rolling over my cheeks and out of sheer relief i started to cry. Realizing that for all these years i wasnt wrong! And the only thing all the opposition did was help me grow more and made me strong. Always coincidently looking at the clock at 11:11, get this shiver through your body and then it feels like you are at one with love - in heaven. To the great conciousness an amazing link, sometimes it feels like im downloading data - cant tell that one to a shrink? Closing my eyes and doing a backflip deep into the deep darkness inside me, how far i can go? i cant wait to see. Feels like someone is trying contact me as a guide, have to get in touch and sit back and enjoy the ride. If you really comprehend and understand there is really no right or wrong, youll just get excited, relax and go right along. If one detail was different in my life today i wouldnt be where i am: death, abuse, beatings, hate, anger, losing myself, a joint, a hit even a gram. Understanding that releases so hectically you can literally feel your body shift, sometimes it moves together or even apart it can drift. The second i let go of all my neagtivity and fear, immediately my new reality was manifested and here. And now for the first time hope for humanity's future i see, cause if everyone is gonna change this way and start thinking like me, then only positive, loving, caring and beautiful potential the future will hold, rule our own destiny, reach our full individual aswell as collective potential and never again any one by anyone else will be told. This is the time that the illuminati fears and they shudve known this mass awakening is coming for years..


'The way is not in the sky. The way is in the heart.'

Buddha