Life is like a box of chocolates...

What else left to say? Please take this pain away? Cutting and ripping flesh from bone and skin, looking back for answers to questions like: where did this shit actually begin? How in the name of god did you fall into this trap? And how the fuck can one get addicted to this crap? Cause i promise you that this shit is really not a smidgen of fun, constantly craving, missioning, scoring and always on the run. Saddest part is that this one isn't a 'want' but a 'need', with an added bonus of constant cravings you have to feed. Normality and sobriety is a strangeness you fear - while you start losing your mind when cold-turkey draws near. Whole life and schedule planned around using? And its one of the things in life you are not choosing, not in control in any way, like a game of russian roulette with 5 bullets to play. Fearing the sweat that starts breaking and covers your back - trickeling in an uncomfortable stream down through your crack. Shivering and sneezing and for your mood there is just no pleasing. Everythings wrong and nothing is right, miserable, edgy, short-tempered and all you want to do is fight. Not even enough energy to lift your ass though. Vision gone, systyem fucked and reflexes from non-exsistant to very extremely slow. Millions of lost thoughts scattered all over nowhere, no way in life for this hell to prepare: you quickly pick it up as you go along, and the moment you had it everything just went pearshaped and wrong. The hate, struggling and suffering nearly kills you and that makes you hard, agressive and cold, it feels as if your soul to the devil you sold. A part of you forever lost and the rest changed; everything else is fucked and totally and completely rearranged. Change, change, change! But you believe normality is strange? Once again no sense in what im writing? thinking so hard my lip im biting? All i know is now i have to turn it around, fix everything and do it right. With everything that i have, love and hold dear put up one last fight...


'No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path.'

Buddha:::2:aec240d95fd5c45e2e1afc7a0467468a:-1:0:::

I am

Surrounded by just myself and me, seeing a completely different aspect of this reality. The truth is all in life i seek, yet all the bullshit and stories just leaves me bleek? Running around in circles chasing my tail all fucking day long, looking past all that is right and just constantly staring into everything thats wrong. A negative person, never - who me? Its just: there is normally not much right with the picture i see...
Sometimes this whole life feels like a deep and dark dream. A perpetual state of deja-vu, familiarity, something youve experieced, felt and seen. Really not too much left to say, just going forward trying to make the best of every day? Charging myself up as positively and as much as i can, constantly bullshitting myself and telling myself that Im the fucking man!
Deep dark foggy memories swamped with anger and pain, constantly up the wall and driving me completely insane. Never ever thinking that youre gonna see the end of this shit, death seems like an answer but no, thats not it? A bit extreme and dramatic i might say, especially when you might feel different about it the next day? Fucked in the head? Atleast i have no regrets?


'Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance.'

Confucius

Sunrise to sunset so...all day?

Spiralling more and more, its been weeks since i hit the fucking floor, eina hard and with the speed of light, god dammit here comes another fight. For sobriety and sanity - and at the end of the day for me? So much lost and so much found, how the hell did i fuck up this time round? So much to loose cause so much ive gained, why would i do this to myself again - doesnt it seem strange? All the lessons learnt along the way didnt come cheap and at the end of the day its really mine to keep. So much strenght built over years and years, literally killed off all my insecurities and every single one of my fears. But what can the reason be this time round? What piece of gold this time will i find? Everything happens with a reason they say? Please, please, please! Lets just hope and pray...



'The more I see the less I know for sure.'

John Lennon

It no funny

Lost in oblivion just staring at a blank screen, i know what to say but what does it mean? So many spotted and vague memories in this void, so much memory and grey matter destroyed. Holes burnt from front to back all the way through; and the true beauty? Theres absolutely nothing about it i can do. Ontop of it all it feels like im not making any sense? Cherry on top - that leaves me feel even more and more tense. To relax have some pizza, a blunt and definately a bong, but then why does everything still feel so bloody wrong? Ride of your life in the storms eye, supposed to be rushing but all you want to do is cry, cursing the heroin, cursing the crack but at end of the day you just want your life back. So much fucking time and money on this timeloop wasted, so much bitter honey bought, bartered, stolen and tasted. Simple is what things were years ago, when everything was just irie, relaxed and slow. Now its just dropped a gear and fucked off with the speed of light - losing parts of myself along the way with a huge fright. Have to find myself but where does one start? Best place i suppose is just to look inside my heart?


'Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.'

Douglas Adams

Sun is shining

Dont know whether i live in a madhouse or a fucking zoo? Crazy shit man but what can one do? Move out, get another spot to stay? Or live with the madness and pretend its getting a wee bit better every day? A whirlpool of good intentions spiralling down the drain, gawd dammit man! can you not feel my pain? Running scared all day long, every bit of this crap is just so god damn wrong! Dying on the inside for forever and a day, and all you want is just for all this shit to go away! Madhouse or zoo? Still no fucking clue!


'In this bright future you can't forget your past.'

Bob Marley - No woman no cry

Freedom

Going where? Should i actually care? Focussing on the road ahead, forget about your past bubbling and boiling over with hate and regret. No more crying in the rain, focus on the pleasure going down the drain? Gone insane while losing your mind? Dont worry - you're not the only one of that kind. A light and gentle mist of sanity slowly filling the air, if you were open to these things you might start to care. Only a wee bit in the beginning tho; cause this thawing from insanity process is kinda slow. But what is it that you are actually trying to achieve? Looking for something bigger so you can start to believe? Just know tomorrow is a brand spanking new day and if your lucky all this shit would have gone away...


"A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself."

Jim Morrison

Pizza

Crazy is as crazy are? When you wish upon a shooting star. Mind is shattered, thoughts are scattered - going, going, gone and im talking very-very-extremely far, for a while you dont even have a clue as to who you really are? Just upping and downing all day long, and every single little thing just annoys and feels soo fucking wrong. Annoying you in every sense of your being, and then in the deepest darkest moment of dispair the light you start seeing. Peaking over the horizon like a curious soul, just short of touching everything, awaking all, its higher purpose - its final goal. As a brand new day in a waking sunrise, in a cool fresh breeze clearing your mind with a crisp and refreshing surprise. Now that you have gone far astray and completely lost your mind, you start searching for yourself and the truth and you'll be amazed at what you find. Hope, peace and utter bliss for forever and a day and its all but a single choice away?


'Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth.'

Buddha

Some prophecy?

Lost and found, probably for the millionth time round. Gone, gone and going - that was my sanity out the window like a boeing. Still no sense in all this shit im writing? Hey, atleast my sanity's gone so for that purpose i can stop fighting. Now I only have one thing to focus on - and theres a chance that ill probably still get it wrong? A random though or two lost deep inside this vacuum called my head, being chaced around by a couple of tumbleweeds and a single regret. You can take my word for it thats its literally only when your brain fries; thats when all the static and emotion inside your head dies. If it could only get and stay lost for a week or two? Imagine all the constructive shit with my life I could actually do? When you need to think its as if you cant make the switch work? And when you want peace and quiet it just starts going berzerk. Sorta like schnarfing speed, you have so much more energy than what you actually need - if you sit down all you wanna do is get up, dance and jam - the moment you get moving the thought crosses your mind that you would really love to sit down now...damn! I really dont have a clue as to what the hell i just wrote so to maybe add some sense to it ill just end it off with a quote...now that i think about it: everything ive ever posted has a quote at the end? Ok!?! Lets say we didnt just realize that one ok? and then try to pretend?


'The basic thing nobody asks is why do people take drugs of any sort? Why do we have these accessories to normal living to live? I mean, is there something wrong with society that's making us so pressurized, that we cannot live without guarding ourselves against it?'

John Lennon

Today...

Flesh, searing, sanity, nearing, closer than ever to the real true me, with eyes this wide open think of all I see? So much blindness, stupidity and ignorance around, take my word for it its so much worst than what it could ever sound.

Have an arguement with yourself and loose? Its a fucking miracle i dont drown all my sorrows in booze. I dont think there is any sense in what ive written here? Atleast about that fact im being honest and sincere? Still writing on without a fucking clue? It will probably make sense to someone who sniffs a bit of glue?

See what im saying is true about the not making sense? Gawd! Whoever reads this will probably think im quite dense? But i dont actually give a fuck what anyone thinks about me, aslong as you just let me the fuck be. Just chill the fuck out and go and play, is it too much to ask for peace and quiet for a single day?

Brains fried, tear ducts dried, long long day, please just go away. Time will tell, heaven or hell...


"The things you own end up owning you. It's only after you lose everything that you're free to do anything."

Chuck Palahniuk , Fight Club

Curse of the thinking man?

Just want to let go, for once just quiet this fucking mind of mine and know what peace and quiet feels like. So many thoughts, so little time. A million and one of the bastards just forcing their way through this bottle-neck in your head called your brain. Headaches from all the thinking, random thoughts flying through your head so fucking fast it feels like your head is on fire, not being able to sleep due to you realising that you actually dont have a cooking clue as to what you are actually doing with your life. Always counting everything, always pairing everything, counting it again and again and again until someone takes it away and then try to slip in another count or two before its out of sight. Crazy? Normal? Wouldnt know the difference if you pointed it out to me. Got to let go, have to let go, think it through, just do it? Well aslong as it makes sense to me...



'We have normality. I repeat, we have normality. Anything you still can't cope with is therefore your own problem.'


Douglas Adams

Vivaldi

Infinate sadness, infinate cries; out of the darkness, huge web of lies. So much lost and so much gained yet still so much left completely unexplained? Driven by fury and anger right from the start straight out of this hole where there shudve been a heart. Deep and dark void that needs filling all day long, how much can you resist and stand strong? Everything that is wrong can be fixed even tho its just for now but in a while reality comes back and starts to chow. So much negativity caused, your life for a while stagnent, paused. So much hate anger and regret, no wonder you want to run back - it helps you forget...

'Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.'


Buddha

misunderstood

So many people at this time are waking up from a huge spiritual slumber, such a brilliant and positive change is busy happening but the sad reality is that the way our system and our minds are shaped most people have a complete misunderstanding as to what is really going on in themselves. Society, religion, the system(which is so much bigger than most people could ever understand-some parts of it is so huge you cant even see it if you aren't aware of it) psycology and the medical establishment or rather the highly educated prescription writers - dont get me wrong they do work hard to get their degree but they get drilled and trained so hard into believing what the universities, (and the huge tax-expemt foundations that fund them and their research if they agree with their curriculum and the outcome of the research they fund) tell them what a doctor does and should be that it leaves a little regard for actual healing. And the ones that do the actual healing gets written off as quacks? The ones with the fancy cars with the office in high society that prescribe the expensive meds gets considered the best doctors altho they actually dont care in the least for curing you rather just pumping you full of expensive tablets(warning:could cause nausea and vomitting, warning: could lead to coma or death and you wonder why i worry).
So confusion is the order of the day while one is slowly waking up or rapidly opening up in stages beyond comprehension - the trick is not to fight it and dont try to force it either (sorta like a fingertrap) but unfortunately for those who are not aware of what is happening to them (they just feel depressed, annoyed, irritated and sometimes completely out of it - usually when there is a full moon). Altho the fact they dont know what is happening to them is helping them wake up faster it might also force them to seek professional help which unfortunately in the system doesnt reconize things like sound, vibration, conciousness, spirituality, i mean gawd it doesnt even reconize the fact you have chackras (which play such an important part on our mental and physical health) and you can measure your chakras using a crystal. Doctors don't solve the problem they try to put together a general idea of whats wrong with your 3rd dimentional physical body and try to match it to what he got hammered into believing diseases are and if he cant numb you out enough with valium(which makes u stop feeling and growing) then its off to the shrink we go and immediately its depression or bi-polar - now you feed into the idea that you are depressed or bi-polar and the brain is so strong in that sense that it overrides all logic (or whatever you see as logic in your reality or whatever the system or education told you reality should be?) and now you just get worse and worse until you get to the point of being referred to the big gun, the psyciatrist, the one that has the power to really numb you out with meds if they cant convince you into being better. Im depressed, im bi-polar, gawd everythng is just wrong in my life (cause by now you've convinced youself you are suicidal and no! Stay away man,im crazy...look into these crazy eyes type of thing) and then he just thinks: ah, how do we numb this out? Not, how do we solve this? No, schedule 6 the good stuff, also the stuff where it feels you walk next to yourself and you have these long dreams that continue everytime after you wake up and fall asleep again and at the end of the day what do we have? A person thats busy waking up on a spiritual level but due to modern medicine is zonked out of his or her mind and reality is just a vague dream - and thats what they wanted from the beginning, that is exactly why the system is set up the way it is. If you live above this dimention it means you are in the 4th dimention 'time' and what that means is that you can basically see that it doesnt exist, and if you have evolved thru the complete understanding of the fact that time is relevant then youll be able to see that the past, present and future are happening at excactly the same time and youll be able to set up plans accordingly sorta like from the 'william shakepear conspiricy' (i kinda like how evrything these days that goes against what the system wants us to think conveniently gets labeled: 'conspiricy' but anyway) to Hollywood today - you might think to yourself what the hell does the one have to do with the other? Thats how a plan over ages would look and work if you didnt have time as a hurdle, start something that creates a huge divide and watch it grow and blossom into the modern version of 'the holy bush' but anyway that another story). And now most people who are waking out of this slumber gets knocked right back because the basis for our understanding, the 'education' system gives us a base to build on and this doesnt teach us anything meta-physical. Its simple: if you cant touch or measure it it simply doesnt exist, so anything above and beyond what we got taught is normal you ignore otherwise you get laughed at for being crazy? And we wonder why the world is in the mess it is in? Even though we were conned into believing that everything we got taught is right and fact we need to break out of this prison of lies we are all locked in. Stop giving our powwer away and start thinking for ourselves and only then when you find the truth, the meaning of life, the big mystery which isnt actually that much of a mystery, then only will you be free...


'Life is one big road with lots of signs. So when you riding through the ruts, don't complicate your mind. Flee from hate, mischief and jealousy. Don't bury your thoughts, put your vision to reality. Wake Up and Live!'

Bob Marley

The secret

There is one basic fact in this life of ours...the truth really does set you free. No left, no right, just a straight line. No opinion, no division, no radical left and no radical right, no he said she said or even some highly educated yet completely and deliberately misinformed clergy member or teacher giving their stance or opinion on the situation. Plain and simple, nothing less, nothing more, just liberating. And the most beautiful part of it all is with the truth(which already is a huge freaking bonus) comes a huge added double bonus called understanding...the most amazing gift anyone can give to themself and to others. There is so much power in these two basic principles; it literally sets you free in the most amazing of ways. You can overcome any obstacle in your life by just knowing and understanding what is really going on within yourself and this messed up system we are imprisoned in. There is just one small problem: it doesnt just come in a single day but dont get me wrong cause if you really truly start looking for it, it will find you and it will hit you hard but only when you are ready for it....


'Our greatest glory is not in never falling, butin rising every time we fall.'

Confucius