Emotional cleansing, ascension symptoms, pretty fucked up....

I dont hate anyone and i dont think i have any enemies but what im going through i wouldnt wish upon my worst enemy. I wake up every morning feeling really amazing and happy but not happy as an emotion but more a state of being, vibrating on a way higher level as what i ever have. Ill have this sudden urge to know the time and its always the same; 11:11? Something negative will trigger me and then it just starts spiralling and building up into a 'WHAT THE FUCK IS BOTHERING ME?!?!?!' and i cant for the love of me figure out what it is and then the wrestling with myself starts...
Finally when i stop trying to figure out what the problem is and i just let go then ill see a pattern in my life thats been holding me back without me even being aware of it: parents' broken dreams, education, religion, race and then it lets go - it started leaving through my solar-plexus and now its all the way at my third eye already. When i figure out what the fuck it leaves me but i feel it 'filling up' my feet and then moving and cramping itself out all the way to the chakra through which it 'leaves' my life. Feeling lighter and better afterwards?? Not a clue what the fuck but am i the only person experiencing this? And if yes? Am i losing my fucking mind???

'All wrong-doing arises because of mind. If mind is transformed can wrong-doing remain?'

Buddha

Emotional cleansing - say what?

Every single time i start settling down and relaxing after the day something bad i did triggers this feeling inside me and if i didnt do anything negative...well, it still starts either way. It starts with something huge bothering me and if i didnt do anything negative...well, something huge still bothers me and i just dont have a clue as to what? Ill start looking and looking deep inside me, scan all thats wrong in the world and then my earliest memories and when im finally done burning my brain my mind steps in and takes over. Yes, ive gotten to the point where i just lay back and let go but if you think as much as what i do... Well, then youll understand its not that easy. The weirdest and what i wouldve thought was the most insignificant things caused patterns that was literally holding me back and/or affecting every single choice i made - a conversation my parents had while waiting for a salary to be deposited, a picture with a 'fishermans prayer' on that used to hang on our kitchen wall when i was very small and even our minister who was an alcholic...i mean really, i wouldnt have even look at any of those things as things that were holding me back yet i released all of them through my heart chakra and then it shook out of me leaving me lighter and then it feels like i start 'vibrating' faster and faster. I can literally feel the negative emotions and experiences peel of me and/or get pulled or shaken out of me. Started seeing peoples auras bigtime and even peeked throught what i think was the veil of secrecy which was just as overwhelming...sorry, im just babbeling and am i even making sense OR am i just slowly losing my mind??? Not so sure...
Nevermind ...

'I found it hard.
It was hard to find.
Oh well, whatever, nevermind...'

Nirvana - Smells like teen spirit

XXX

Everything i know or thought i knew has been shredded to bits, my idea of the world has changed so many times over the past year its actually difficult to believe where i was standing a year ago. It all started with an accident and a bigger understanding of what the hell is really going on in this dimention, the lies the manipulation and once you understand it then it gives you the amazing oppertunity to find the truth. The emotional cleansing part is a wee bit of a bitch tho cause it starts with something bothering you bigtime and you cant pinpoint what it is and the more you try to figure it out the more you cockblock yourself. But when you let go and your mind starts to run in the weirdest and most 'insignificant' things you will find this huge pattern thats been dominating your whole life without you even knowing it. Once you realize the root cause and the pictures in your mind line up and you have this 'FREAKING WOW!!!' moment it starts tumbling like dominoes and then releasing through my heart chackra and i can feel how the negativity slowly fills my entire body and when my body is 'full' from head to toes it either gets pulled, shaken or span out of my body and immediately i feel lighter and then i cant keep my eyes open, have to sleep, wake up, new person. Weird patterns that has literally been inprisoning me in others peoples fear and bad habits, yet so amazing and liberating to let go of, others peoples insecurities and beliefs picked up by you as you go through life oblivious of how its gonna hold you down. But after every cleansing session i am more awake, more aware, knowing things ive never learnt, understanding huge concepts yet being misunderstood by everyone you are trying to uplift. Understaning everything yet misunderstood by all? After a while you kinda get used to being called 'freak' and 'the crazy guy' and i can promise you its not easy to communicate with people who are still caught up in old 3d thinking patterns. Because i see things in 5d, i understand exactly what the other people mean and say cause i used to see things like that aswell so i understand them...its just i feel like im talking in a foreign language when i talk to then cause they ont have a freaking clue as to what im saying and trust me its hard to convince yourself you are sane when you are in the minority - especially when you tell the people closest to you about your experieces and they tell you to stop talking about it cause you sound high and people think im crazy...but anyway, such is life...or am i really crazy and did actually lose it long ago?

'Even in a minority of one the truth is still the truth'

Mahatma gandi

The New Age - just another Religion?

In a world where absolutely everything is wrong, well if you believe in right or wrong you'll probably see it that way. Traps and total bullshit everywhere, a system built on lies and corruption to keep us in a constant state of fear and fortunately for us confusion and confusion is the 'Law of One' in one of its most primary distortions cause confusion and not understanding causes and gives us such a huge oppertunity to learn and see the truth. If you can just open your fucking eyes and see through all the bullshit then the truth is written there plainly in huge letters, if you can quiet your mind youll realize that its inside you - the problem is that it wont just come to you, you have to look for it...and then when it finally finds you its quite the sobering experience and eye a huge eye opener and the road leading to it is a beautiful and enriching experience. Whether you want to call the negative polarity on this planet shapeshifting lizzards, the draconin, the orion empire or just plainly the illuminati they are doing us such a huge favor by trying to entrap us by using nothing but our own free will. All they do is dig the whole, give it a name written in big red letters with bright lights and arrows, advertise it as bigger, better and more expensive as last years and then they sit back and watch the minless idiots who wants to be better than their neighbour pay to run, jump and dive in head first. But those who are actually doing the effort to look for the truth will see it for just another hole, they'll try to understand it and to learn from it, then realize the purpose and thus discovering the truth, the real reason behind the reason for the actual whole in the first place. Good example of this is the new age 'religion', probably one of the smartest lies, traps and/or learning experiences fabricated. New age is such poison to the mind cause it just keeps spiritually aware people looking for the truth in another box because its just another belief system. It just puts the ascended masters up there and you the little piece of shit right at the bottom, the principle of karma per individual also prevents you from taking responsibiliy for your own actions and realising that everything that is wrong in your life is actually your own fucking fault and by realizing that it gives you the amazing oppertunity to put it down completely, let go and then freeing yourself. I mean we are in this prison or rather this beautiful and amazing learning experience anyway due to generations of people giving their responsibility away and the universe is about the law of one, love and balance so due to us giving our power away someone had to take it for the universe to balance out so we did actually create the problem we are in ourselves. And then the new age also causes people to react to the truth by saying shit like: 'sounds a bit like new age to me' or 'too New agey, no thanks' and that completely puts alot of people off the truth cause when you start searching you start researching and its almost a defiante that someone looking for the truth will run into the new age belief structure while searching, its quite the lie to fall into and one can fall hard and long into it without realizing that you are actually wasting your time and not moving forward in any way shape or form. Although the beauty is same as with most misinformation out there, there has to be enough truth in the content to sell the lie - always just a degree or five away from the truth to keep you mediocre but if you can see it for what it is, trust you higher self which you get attuned to while searching and understand the mechanics and laws of the universe, then its an amazing and aweinsipiring learning experience leading to the truth and understanding and then unconditional love for our one infinite creator, forgiveness and unconditional love towards yourself and unconditional love and understaning towards everyone else.
Adonai

'Just as a candle cannot burn without fire, men cannot live without a spiritual life.'
'There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way, and not starting.'

Buddha

Nirvana

After a huge arguements, a very shitty day and everything that someone who believes in or percieves right or wrong would take up as fucked up, i learnt the biggest lesson of love and respect due to all the 'wrong' of the day. Closed my eyes, opened my heart and touched what i can now understand how someone with a religious background would percieve as a meeting with 'god', in a presence of complete and pure love and forgiveness with just sooo much understanding. Not 3rd dimentional love that is hurtful, possesive or jealous, no, pure, pure unconditional love and understanding. Pure brilliant love, no right no wrong, no polarity, just balance, everything in sync with the extemely humbling feeling and presence im in. Tears streaming down my face, tears of joy, tears of understanding, tears from being touched by this purity. A deeper understanding emerges, everything is right, everything is one, different distortions of the infinite creator. Confusion leads to understanding, the 'law of confusion' or what we call the 'law of free will' is just a primary distortion of the law of one. The same as the urgue to teach is also directly related to the urge to learn unless youre not learning what you teach - just another primary distortion of the law of one. Behind the veil of secrecy comes the oppurtunity of misunderstanding, hence learning and so figuring it out in an either positive or negative polarized society or collective conciousness, but as you move higher throught the dimentions there is only balance, perfection, beauty, understanding. After opening my eyes and drying my tears i was staring at my feet into the distance, light, halo, yellow burn, sense of dejavu and now i cant look at anyone without seeing a halo around them, it sorta looks like they are quantum leaping and then the colours start 'burning' out the halo, the weirdest, strangest and most enlightning learning experience through love and true understanding and a willingness to know thyself and i mean truly know thyself. Love and understanding, pure cleansing and healing love. True and pure unconditional love for yourself, true and pure unconditional love for others and more importantly the service to others. On the highest level teaching thus learning is godliness at a very primary distortion. Love, love and more love.

'In the sky, there is no distinction of east and west; people create distinctions out of their own minds and then believe them to be true.'

Buddha

Lightworker? starseed? indigo child? - say what?

Ive always known i have someone or something that protects me, i mean for fuck sakes i must be blind not to see. All the shit i caught on and the fact that im still alive - im not even joking and you wont understand how much shit i actually did survive. Protected in a blanket of narcotics for 20years? In the mix with a emotional rollercoaster filled with lots of shit and tears. Now not a single distraction to hold me back, now im grateful for all the heroin and crack. I can really focus on what im going through - i mean it is what i came here for in the first place to do. Completely understanding that there cant be a right or wrong so lets just do it and smoke another bong. With every relapse or shit i make my concience just wakes me up more, sorta peaks my emotions to the max and that pushes me through another door. Still difficult to explain how it feels now that im starting to wake and every now and then i feel so high that it feels like some downer i have to take. Yet everything looks new and bright, shining and glowing and looking so lite. So amazing how the universe carried, guided and protected till here, cant believe all the time and energy i wasted on worries and fear. Now i can be the light in the dark places but come to think about it thats sorta what ive always been and im talking in DARK places, always shining brighter and brighter...but in your own life? Cant wait to see what the future holds for us all, it will be amazing...

'Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.'

Buddha

A new world

Every single morning as i open my eyes and start focussing i can see things that things are changing, things are brighter, everything looks lighter. Always have thought differently than everyone else i know, always pushed to the side, laughed at or cast out cause of my ideas. But when my journey started? There was no stopping it, my thirst for the truth became unbearable and when you really want it the universe delivers and the truth is NOT always the answer you want. And dont think its gonna cause people to accept you more - its good i got used to being the outcast long ago otherwise i wouldve backed out of this journey long ago just to make my life easier - all of a sudden im happy that i was addicted for nearly 20yrs, talk about a blessing in disguise. I wouldve been so caught up in what others wanted of me and what i have to buy and do to impress people that are only there cause the times are good then i wouldve missed the whole point but anyway. When shattering your indoctrination it literally feels like your world gets shaken when you start to realize that everything they ever taught you is a lie, a lie that your parents told you with all the love and good intent in their hearts - sad but true. Constantly looking at the clock @ 11:11 - i mean i even had an accident one morning @ 11:11, a guy showed me 'lets go', i was slipstreaming him on my scooter and all of a sudden he just stopped infront of me and when i got up he drove off? I actually have to thank him cause that really WOKE me up but not wake me up to appreciate life more, no! A different awake, awake to a different reality and since then its been escelating in leaps and bounds. Every question i have gets answered, after i understood unconditional love for others and unconditional love for myself the game has changed completely - some days it feels like there is light shining down into my head, through my body, out my spinning chakras in the front and in my hands, my hands are sometimes so hot others can feel it and responds to the heat - and on cold mornings aswell so dont even think about it. Understanding and knowledge isnt just in my head anymore its part of me, things that i didnt even know bothered me plays of in my head, it fills my body completely from the soles of my feel to the top of my head and when im 'full' it gets pulled out, i can physically feel something being taken out of me and then i feel lighter afterwards but cant keep my eyes open, im talking have to fight to keep them open, i fall asleep and wake up a new me. Same with knowledge; it feels like i 'download' it, my brain tears, i HAVE to sleep and wake up new. I dont even see the 'now', its as if im looking from the top and see everything as a whole. Used to worry about humanity and weep, now i see new hope cause if this is where we are headed... its gonna be amazing!! Well thats enough crazy for one day i suppose but theres a lot more where that comes from...Losing it? I dont think so...


'You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.'


Buddha

Indoctrination 101

Living in a world where we can with all honesty say that evrything we get taught is a lie and that is a sad but scary fact. Ontop of our beautiful planet is a thick layer to disonnect us from out natural energy and from there on up everything is built out of lies. This huge system running fullsteem everyday, for what purpose? to which means? What is it actually achieving? Billions of hypnotized zombies addicted to television, fashion and status. Millions of people that will spend most of their money on the most expensive flatscreen tvs, guess handbags, nike shoes and a new ipad and cellphone they can afford but as little possible on food and health - always the cheapest food, cheapest meds. Generation upon generation have been lied to about who and what we really are that by the time the lie got told to us, it got told to us with conviction by people who really believed it and the intention was so good and pure who were we to question it. We have no real traditions cause everything we celebrate is based on more and more lies. Most people go through their whole lives believing it and spreading it with passion, selling it and even buying it, even believing you need the system to survive. Most people pay monthly to get brainwashed or shall i say satelite tv, cabel, tivo and the people who dont have money wish they could afford the brainwashing, people sitting infront of the tv all day flipping channels cause there is nothing on? If there is nothing on why are you still sitting there but anyway. People so badly want that glossy magazine in the plastic bag with the deoderant sample included so that someone else can tell then how to look, what to wear and what to buy. Pointing out every flaw on already flawlessly photoshopped models and actors not just making them feel inferior but also wiring you up negatively, to always look for the wrong just due to the very negative angle of the media towards the people they supposedly adore and are quite clearly their bread and butter? The news or what has been deduced to be called news isnt their bread and butter anymore its just another way of scaring you into feeling happy with your crappy live which is supposed to be normal? More worried about david beckhams hairstyle than the world being stolen by bankers. Slowly moving to the final version of newspeak george orwells dream mentality. And alot of people cant even feel that there is something wrong? When you start asking the right questions nothing makes sense, for a while that is. When you finally unplug from all the media brainwashing crap and advertising propoganda bullshit and you wake up then reality starts to change. You need alternative views of the everything, you need to start questioning those beliefs that got forced into you with all the love in the world by people who didnt know better. Start unrooting and breaking the indoctrination thats been going on for generations. All the brainwashing the goverment forces your parents to send you to and pay for needs to be broken down. All the old systems we dont need anymore. A good start is erich von daniken chariots of the gods, im not saying believe everything he says but the questions he asks is just right to change something, sorta like the way you change after a trip, suttle but definite. Read diffrent religious scripts and find out why that is so taboo or so simular? Curiosity never killed any cat. Then try Zecharia Sitchin the earth chronicles, once again be so careful of all the misinformation out there, i mean his 3rd book the lost realms makes no sense but its a deliberate coverup for the remnants of atlantis and the ancestral knowledge the native americans had - same as his theory on the moon but still. Then you need to understand the manifulation thats going on and a good book for that is David Icke ...and the truth shall set you free or the biggest secret - and yes i know the names are quite ironic but they state the puropose, its more about getting your head out of your arse and waking up to what is going on in the world. Same as the documentried Zeitgeist and Zeitgeist addendum its not all true but it shakes your mind out of its box and then you start looking for the truth. Conspiracy theory, conspiracy facts, confusion, powerlessness, huge journey of self discover and the more you look the more it finds you. Once you are aware of how you are being manifulated you go to the why part and thats when you start finding your true self, your higher self, your spiritual path is well on its way, understanding the wisdom of the mystic master and the seat of the soul. The higher purpose in your life, realizing that you are not just 3dimentional, not just a physical body, just the way your soul manifests in this playgound we were born into with a veil of secrecy so that we can deliberately forget who we really are for the learning experience of spiritual growth. Follow your own path, listen to your heart, follow ur feminine energies, intuition, love, understanding. Forget about 3rd dimentional thinking, follow your unique path to enlightenment, want it and look for it and it will find you. A seed of conciousness is planted in the mind of those who observe it...

'Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Ascension 101

Feeling so weird, so different; it feels like my feet are on the ground but my head is 'higher' than normal(concidering my history thats quite ironic i suppose), light seems brighter, everything looks lighter and i know it might sound strange but its not my brain thats fried(i know how that feels - trust me...completely different but anyway). Got confirmation from my higher self(not my high self) im not crazy but no one else seems to believe me and this sparks alot of emotional ups and downs and then it just starts building and building and it feels like i wanna tear something, punch something, throttle someone...and then from my heart it feels like the emotion is soaking through my body and when its everywhere inside me it feels like it gets pulled out of me. Immediately i feel lighter and better but so tired i cant keep my eyes open, fall asleep, wake up and feel like a million bucks. It started weeks apart but started getting more and more frequent and closer and closer together. Sometimes from the soles of my feet it feels like something is building inside me slowly and gradually moving up and up, layer upon layer untill it reaches the top of my head - feel weird, tired, cant move, dont want to get up, cant sleep and eventually fall asleep, wake up new and different person. When this all started it felt like a light shining down into the middle of my head and into my brain, all of a sudden it feels like im downloading something, face pulling, head shaking, thinking so badly untill it feels like my brain tears, so tired cant keep my eyes open, fall asleep, wake up a different person and this has also happened more than once, exactly the same feeling. Generally im healthy & dont believe in cold sores and headaches but the other day i had the worse headache (and two weeks after the same), it was so bad that i threw up like the fat guy in monty python's meaning of life but it felt like something(a drop to be excact) was squeezing its way throught the exact middle of my brain, after the pain that felt like my head was exploding was done and the 'drop' was through; wherever it touched or was absorbed into it looked and felt like soft pieces of a reflection of light in a broken mirror. except for the constantly runny nose without a cold its not all bad the emotional up and down is hectic but the feeling afterwards is amazing. Its constantly feeling as if im standing in a door stepping forward and backwards, higher and lower. Its not medication and its not lsd backflashes(i know how those feel aswell but anyway again) cause its emotional changes i can feel physically. Same as the spinning wheels in the front of my body(and my hands) that when they feel off balance i can start at the bottom and balance then from the bottom to the top, one by one in meditation with certain affirmations. I understand everything, i understand the bigger picture, it is really as if im recieving information from somewhere in sessions small enough to make it feel like my head is burning and my brain tearing but massive enough to shift my perspective, tiring but inspiring. But grasping it is like one of those chinese(i think it is-it could be japanese??)fingertraps, you have to let go and relax to grasp it cause the moment you focus and think about it too much it feels like its starting to slip away, dont think it feel. You cant solve it by analyzing it you have to feel it with your heart, your intuition and when you grasp it you cant stop talking not just to share but also to work through and really undertand for your own personal self and growth. I used to think im crazy but ive realized im far from. Just a pity the people i love and care for most thinks im crazy and ive lost it but since i understand there is no right or wrong the value of the experience is amazing. If you love yourself you love and accept others cause the things that annoy you in other people are the things that bother you about yourself so by loving and accepting yourself unconditionally you love and accept others more. But thats just my opionion and personal experience of a situation - and thats why we are here: a complete human experience, polarity integration...

'He was a dreamer, a thinker, a speculative philosopher... or, as his wife would have it, an idiot.'

Douglas Adams

The cure for addiction - again?

You know that overcoming addiction is actually alot easier than what shrinks and most people whos beliefs are based in 3d says it is. All that shit you constantly say in groups about 'being powerless over my fucking progressive disease'(good justification tho) and 'hi im neil and im a fuckup and a junkie' is bullshit. It took me 20yrs of addiction to figure out that is not a problem you can change by thinking, it doesnt matter how fucking clever you think you are - you cant out think this motherfucker of a thing(and i say thing with lots of respect cause this 'thing' raped, shaped, bent me over, broke me, showed me whos boss for years, had me in tears, contemplating suicide, a heroin overdose sounds like a romantic why to end this miserable thing you call an existance and then the awakening - lots of respect). You can only change it by the way you see and feel - about yourself and about the world. Cause if you can understand that you(your body) is a physical manifestation of the sumtotal of your emotions and how you feel about yourself and your life is a reflection of the way you feel about the world then its not that complicated - now its not that difficult to see where the fuckup comes in? Then all you have to do is shift your focus; from how shit and fucked up it is to be addicted and trust me; i know how fucking difficult it is to see a single ray of light or goodness while you are struggling aroung in the gutters for weeks on end and really hating every single fucking second of your existance and death sounds so amazing but youre actually more worried about where your next hit will come from or you try to OD but realize you still have a hit for later so death is not a option or even nodding way too fucking deep and hitting your chest to get a heartbeat, jump up...water, ice, cold, run and slap the shit out of yourself but you wanted to die about 10 times today already but anyway - how amazing this thing we call addiction but anyway. So now you really have to shift your focus from all that shit to how amazing it is to be(not want to be but is) clean and healthy and even if you can just focus on how amazing it is to be clean and healthy for 30sec then youve started opening that energy vortex in your life and over time from constantly focussing on the good part(take my word for it)it shifts and the change starts. Its actually fucking crazy if you think about it cause you are so constantly consumed by all this negativity that you dont realize that your life is getting worse and worse cause of your negativity thats consuming you and just dragging you down deeper and deeper. You have to step out of it, its much easier thn what you might think it is. By constantly meddling in how shit it is and not doing anything about it we atrract it more and more. By loving yourself more and more the less harm you will attract to yourself and then when you get to loving yourself unconditionally you cant even believe it was a problem. The final let go is hard and tricky cause its a pattern that needs letting go of but its dooable. Love, love and more love. I mean...APPARENTLY i have depression and im bi-polar and i hve some syndrome where my brainsignals misfire, lots of medication and years later its nothing? By focussing on and feeding in it gets worse anything and everything. Psychiatry is the biggest money making scam out there and thats it. There is NO test for a chemical imbalance in anyones fucking brain, they name it, you feed into it meds and all and youre fucked. Big black dick up the arse, no lube, nowhere to hold on to just plain fucked. Now that im off all meds and i think straight i can see how out of it, fucked, medicated and miserable i constantly was(maybe i enjoyd it? Even the misery) Try it - you have nothing to lose? And im not selling the secret here and im not a student of the law of attraction but this really works cause unfortunately the law of attraction is on of the seven laws of the universe...


'Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it(even addiction).'

Confucius

11:11 another what the fuck

11:11 mysterious fucking time, why? I dont know? Lets see; every morning thats the time i randomly look at the clock, had a bike accident at 11:11 on a sunday morning, a car accident one saturday morning also the first time in my life i got knocked out but before i hit the windsreen i got a severe and hectic case of dejavu and then time, windscreen, metal-taste in mouth and out fucking cold, ill be riding along and looking into a car and on the clock...ta-da 11:11, i mean what the fuck? 12 strand DNA activation? starseed wakeup call? I really dont have a fucking clue but i know if i dont see it in a day then its an achievement - maybe im stubborn or just fast asleep, i dont know, actually i dont know much these days. I know alot is changing, weird stuff happening, acid flashbacks? Holes in my brain from all the meth? Paranoid from too much columbian marching powder or just plain fucked up of all the H? I actually dont know? I know the fullmoon really fucks me up harder and harder everytime round, i know i can look deep into myself and have these memories of different times and places, sometimes faint and sometimes in HD right here, taste, smell and so real you think you can touch. It probably sounds fuck korny and hectically paranoid - one of those illuminati is chacing me read one too many conspiracy theories and chowed way too much fuckin acid. Strange fucking days...

'We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves.'

Buddha

The lie we call life

How does one keep sane if you know evrything youve ever been taught is a fucking lie, that you actually have to go and look for the truth is scary but when it comes to you its sooo fucking liberating. Hey man, look on th bright side...it only took 20 years of addiction to get here, and heres where the problem comes in...anyone educated in the system that hears that will say im fried from all the button smoking, freebasing, scharfing coke, mdma, lsd, magic mushrooms, shooting h, sniffing glue, ganja, meth and everything that gives a buzz(sorry i had to give them more evidence to say im fucked or fried) but i know whats going on inside me, i can feel the emotional cleansing, it literally feels like layers of negativity being pulled out or off me, then tired as hell - fall asleep, wake up, feel like a million bucks and a new person. The change is sorta like the change you go through when you trip, come down, cry, wanna kill everyone, wanna kill yourself, wanna kill yourself again, eventually fall asleep and wake up, that same change BUT only with a deeper understanding. Snotty nose, full moon fucks me up harder than normal but so does no moon - GOD u cant win. First learning to love unconditionally than letting go of hate, then fear, getting understanding, and the way i see and feel about the world is changing more and more as im changing with everything i learn and understand. Alone? Yes! Difficult? Definately! Worth it? You dont understand! So amazing to love yourself, feel the balance in your chakras and life and loving every second of the experience just dreading those cleaning phases. Much faster and closer toghether as at the beginning and the cleansing part actually shook my body lastnight like a heroin cold turkey an then? I saw my soul, my real self not the reflection of me emotions that manifest in the 3rd dimention that i see when i look in th mirror, the whole thing, beauty, love and understanding, amazing and aweinspiring. Letting go of everything just makes you lighter and the world so much brighter...crazy but amazing!!

'none but ourself can free our minds'

Bob Marley - Redemtion song

You just have to love life

You know you get those days where everything is just fucking wrong, it doesnt matter which way you look at it, things are just fucked up. You can try and convince yourself a million fucking times a minute that every cloud has a silver lining blah-blah-cliche but i dont fucking see it. Some serious shit bothering me and i dont have a fucking clue as to what it is? Just not in the mood for anything, sitting starving my ass off but not in the mood to lift my ass and walk 10 fucking measly steps to th kitchen not even to mention getting up in the 1st fucking place. All i wanna do is cry? no tears, scream? too much effort, punch the wall? no energy and then that getting up thing again, moan and bitch in someones ears? not in the mood for people. I mean what the fucking? Im sitting here writing cause im not in the mood for people? For fuck sakes, im starting to depress myself even more. Going insane, were here to experience pain? Crazy ass shit, yip, thats about it. Losing my mind, still feel like the only one of my kind, on this fucking planet i dont belong, you must be a dumbass not to see that basically everything here is wrong. The system is fucking us hard, wouldnt even know where to start.. Dont have a fucking clue why im going on about shit anyway, fuck that mission. I mean what fucking difference does it make anyway. Im not even making sense to myself, now i know how people feel most of the time aswell as understanding all the 'what the fuck??' stares i get-wow! Anyway...whatever and who cares...

Cockblocking myself

One day you'll know everything or so they say? So you should just wait and believe everything you are sold untill that fucking day?
Why would anyone fuck themselves over this way, i mean for fucksakes; this shit isn't childsplay? Fucked in the head? Life full of regret? Fighting all fucking day long? God dammit this shit makes you strong? But it also fucks you up one time, even worst for you than pink slime. Deep inside you start rotting at the core; and then? All you want is more? Crazy shit! Jip, thatsit!
Complete totally and utterly fucked praying for a new day. Really? Are you trying to pray this shit away! Not happening, well definately not today. How many times more? When am I gonna end up lifeless on the fucking floor? I promise you its not worth all this aches and pain and anyone else wouldve long ago gone insane. Always chasing the clock. Tick-fucking-tock. Run, make a mission - just keep the cold-turkey away. Same thing over and over day by day. Heroine, smack, junk, H even horse, call it what you want either way you'll end up with so much fucking remorse. So much to give and so much to loose so sit back, nod, pass out and snooze.
Day in and day out you are worried about dying but constantly about youre health you are lying? Cramps, aches and pains and at all not well, no one knows cause they're not even remotely aware of my hell. Constantly stoned out of my mind, dont worry - im not the only one of my kind. All pin eyed and zombiefaced - brain and blood completely with opiates laced. Story of my life? Constant strife? Saddest part is that I know one choice will take all this shit away and then once and all end this game of russian roulette that i sooo badly like to play. Braindead, sick needle obsession in my head. Fear of needles long gone now that shit gets used for fun? What the fuck! jesus christ! I need more than just luck!!!


'I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be.'

Douglas Adams

Hallelujah and amen

This excited in my life ive never been, cause for the last couple of years only the bad side of everything ive seen. Since i can think for myself ive been convinced that im crazy, cause people didnt understand my priorities and way of thinking they thought i was a misfit...lazy. Always and forever longing and feeling out of place, knowing my home's not here but somewhere far off in a completely different time and space. While i talk i can constantly see people shaking their head, and if they could - the sense i talk theyd rather ignore and or try to forget? People do not like it if you question their beliefs and start saking and pointing out the holes in its base. Well? While conversing with me that is constantly the case. Girlfriends, doctors, psyciatrists and here and there the odd shrink, call me crazy, leave me, refer me, lock me up and medicate me to the brink. Tablets to sleep, tablets to stop all this thinking, tablets to numb out these extreme emotions i feel, a handfull of smarties in the morning and another handfull at night - are you for real?
Then all of a sudden things started moving fast, not sure how long this period of change is gonna last, thinking and feeling so much it literally feels like im tearing my brain, after which i cant keep my eyes open - falling asleep while thinking i just went insane. Opening my eyes as if im waking up to a brand new day, pain and negativity gone and alot of positive changes that stay. Changing in leaps and bounds! Trust me its even more scary and amazing than what it sounds.
More and more people awakening out their spiritual slumber every single day, energy and the search for truth pulling them my way. This morning at 2 while staring at the stars in the sky, tears started rolling over my cheeks and out of sheer relief i started to cry. Realizing that for all these years i wasnt wrong! And the only thing all the opposition did was help me grow more and made me strong. Always coincidently looking at the clock at 11:11, get this shiver through your body and then it feels like you are at one with love - in heaven. To the great conciousness an amazing link, sometimes it feels like im downloading data - cant tell that one to a shrink? Closing my eyes and doing a backflip deep into the deep darkness inside me, how far i can go? i cant wait to see. Feels like someone is trying contact me as a guide, have to get in touch and sit back and enjoy the ride. If you really comprehend and understand there is really no right or wrong, youll just get excited, relax and go right along. If one detail was different in my life today i wouldnt be where i am: death, abuse, beatings, hate, anger, losing myself, a joint, a hit even a gram. Understanding that releases so hectically you can literally feel your body shift, sometimes it moves together or even apart it can drift. The second i let go of all my neagtivity and fear, immediately my new reality was manifested and here. And now for the first time hope for humanity's future i see, cause if everyone is gonna change this way and start thinking like me, then only positive, loving, caring and beautiful potential the future will hold, rule our own destiny, reach our full individual aswell as collective potential and never again any one by anyone else will be told. This is the time that the illuminati fears and they shudve known this mass awakening is coming for years..


'The way is not in the sky. The way is in the heart.'

Buddha

Life is like a box of chocolates...

What else left to say? Please take this pain away? Cutting and ripping flesh from bone and skin, looking back for answers to questions like: where did this shit actually begin? How in the name of god did you fall into this trap? And how the fuck can one get addicted to this crap? Cause i promise you that this shit is really not a smidgen of fun, constantly craving, missioning, scoring and always on the run. Saddest part is that this one isn't a 'want' but a 'need', with an added bonus of constant cravings you have to feed. Normality and sobriety is a strangeness you fear - while you start losing your mind when cold-turkey draws near. Whole life and schedule planned around using? And its one of the things in life you are not choosing, not in control in any way, like a game of russian roulette with 5 bullets to play. Fearing the sweat that starts breaking and covers your back - trickeling in an uncomfortable stream down through your crack. Shivering and sneezing and for your mood there is just no pleasing. Everythings wrong and nothing is right, miserable, edgy, short-tempered and all you want to do is fight. Not even enough energy to lift your ass though. Vision gone, systyem fucked and reflexes from non-exsistant to very extremely slow. Millions of lost thoughts scattered all over nowhere, no way in life for this hell to prepare: you quickly pick it up as you go along, and the moment you had it everything just went pearshaped and wrong. The hate, struggling and suffering nearly kills you and that makes you hard, agressive and cold, it feels as if your soul to the devil you sold. A part of you forever lost and the rest changed; everything else is fucked and totally and completely rearranged. Change, change, change! But you believe normality is strange? Once again no sense in what im writing? thinking so hard my lip im biting? All i know is now i have to turn it around, fix everything and do it right. With everything that i have, love and hold dear put up one last fight...


'No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path.'

Buddha:::2:aec240d95fd5c45e2e1afc7a0467468a:-1:0:::

I am

Surrounded by just myself and me, seeing a completely different aspect of this reality. The truth is all in life i seek, yet all the bullshit and stories just leaves me bleek? Running around in circles chasing my tail all fucking day long, looking past all that is right and just constantly staring into everything thats wrong. A negative person, never - who me? Its just: there is normally not much right with the picture i see...
Sometimes this whole life feels like a deep and dark dream. A perpetual state of deja-vu, familiarity, something youve experieced, felt and seen. Really not too much left to say, just going forward trying to make the best of every day? Charging myself up as positively and as much as i can, constantly bullshitting myself and telling myself that Im the fucking man!
Deep dark foggy memories swamped with anger and pain, constantly up the wall and driving me completely insane. Never ever thinking that youre gonna see the end of this shit, death seems like an answer but no, thats not it? A bit extreme and dramatic i might say, especially when you might feel different about it the next day? Fucked in the head? Atleast i have no regrets?


'Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance.'

Confucius

Sunrise to sunset so...all day?

Spiralling more and more, its been weeks since i hit the fucking floor, eina hard and with the speed of light, god dammit here comes another fight. For sobriety and sanity - and at the end of the day for me? So much lost and so much found, how the hell did i fuck up this time round? So much to loose cause so much ive gained, why would i do this to myself again - doesnt it seem strange? All the lessons learnt along the way didnt come cheap and at the end of the day its really mine to keep. So much strenght built over years and years, literally killed off all my insecurities and every single one of my fears. But what can the reason be this time round? What piece of gold this time will i find? Everything happens with a reason they say? Please, please, please! Lets just hope and pray...



'The more I see the less I know for sure.'

John Lennon

It no funny

Lost in oblivion just staring at a blank screen, i know what to say but what does it mean? So many spotted and vague memories in this void, so much memory and grey matter destroyed. Holes burnt from front to back all the way through; and the true beauty? Theres absolutely nothing about it i can do. Ontop of it all it feels like im not making any sense? Cherry on top - that leaves me feel even more and more tense. To relax have some pizza, a blunt and definately a bong, but then why does everything still feel so bloody wrong? Ride of your life in the storms eye, supposed to be rushing but all you want to do is cry, cursing the heroin, cursing the crack but at end of the day you just want your life back. So much fucking time and money on this timeloop wasted, so much bitter honey bought, bartered, stolen and tasted. Simple is what things were years ago, when everything was just irie, relaxed and slow. Now its just dropped a gear and fucked off with the speed of light - losing parts of myself along the way with a huge fright. Have to find myself but where does one start? Best place i suppose is just to look inside my heart?


'Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.'

Douglas Adams

Sun is shining

Dont know whether i live in a madhouse or a fucking zoo? Crazy shit man but what can one do? Move out, get another spot to stay? Or live with the madness and pretend its getting a wee bit better every day? A whirlpool of good intentions spiralling down the drain, gawd dammit man! can you not feel my pain? Running scared all day long, every bit of this crap is just so god damn wrong! Dying on the inside for forever and a day, and all you want is just for all this shit to go away! Madhouse or zoo? Still no fucking clue!


'In this bright future you can't forget your past.'

Bob Marley - No woman no cry

Freedom

Going where? Should i actually care? Focussing on the road ahead, forget about your past bubbling and boiling over with hate and regret. No more crying in the rain, focus on the pleasure going down the drain? Gone insane while losing your mind? Dont worry - you're not the only one of that kind. A light and gentle mist of sanity slowly filling the air, if you were open to these things you might start to care. Only a wee bit in the beginning tho; cause this thawing from insanity process is kinda slow. But what is it that you are actually trying to achieve? Looking for something bigger so you can start to believe? Just know tomorrow is a brand spanking new day and if your lucky all this shit would have gone away...


"A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself."

Jim Morrison

Pizza

Crazy is as crazy are? When you wish upon a shooting star. Mind is shattered, thoughts are scattered - going, going, gone and im talking very-very-extremely far, for a while you dont even have a clue as to who you really are? Just upping and downing all day long, and every single little thing just annoys and feels soo fucking wrong. Annoying you in every sense of your being, and then in the deepest darkest moment of dispair the light you start seeing. Peaking over the horizon like a curious soul, just short of touching everything, awaking all, its higher purpose - its final goal. As a brand new day in a waking sunrise, in a cool fresh breeze clearing your mind with a crisp and refreshing surprise. Now that you have gone far astray and completely lost your mind, you start searching for yourself and the truth and you'll be amazed at what you find. Hope, peace and utter bliss for forever and a day and its all but a single choice away?


'Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth.'

Buddha

Some prophecy?

Lost and found, probably for the millionth time round. Gone, gone and going - that was my sanity out the window like a boeing. Still no sense in all this shit im writing? Hey, atleast my sanity's gone so for that purpose i can stop fighting. Now I only have one thing to focus on - and theres a chance that ill probably still get it wrong? A random though or two lost deep inside this vacuum called my head, being chaced around by a couple of tumbleweeds and a single regret. You can take my word for it thats its literally only when your brain fries; thats when all the static and emotion inside your head dies. If it could only get and stay lost for a week or two? Imagine all the constructive shit with my life I could actually do? When you need to think its as if you cant make the switch work? And when you want peace and quiet it just starts going berzerk. Sorta like schnarfing speed, you have so much more energy than what you actually need - if you sit down all you wanna do is get up, dance and jam - the moment you get moving the thought crosses your mind that you would really love to sit down now...damn! I really dont have a clue as to what the hell i just wrote so to maybe add some sense to it ill just end it off with a quote...now that i think about it: everything ive ever posted has a quote at the end? Ok!?! Lets say we didnt just realize that one ok? and then try to pretend?


'The basic thing nobody asks is why do people take drugs of any sort? Why do we have these accessories to normal living to live? I mean, is there something wrong with society that's making us so pressurized, that we cannot live without guarding ourselves against it?'

John Lennon

Today...

Flesh, searing, sanity, nearing, closer than ever to the real true me, with eyes this wide open think of all I see? So much blindness, stupidity and ignorance around, take my word for it its so much worst than what it could ever sound.

Have an arguement with yourself and loose? Its a fucking miracle i dont drown all my sorrows in booze. I dont think there is any sense in what ive written here? Atleast about that fact im being honest and sincere? Still writing on without a fucking clue? It will probably make sense to someone who sniffs a bit of glue?

See what im saying is true about the not making sense? Gawd! Whoever reads this will probably think im quite dense? But i dont actually give a fuck what anyone thinks about me, aslong as you just let me the fuck be. Just chill the fuck out and go and play, is it too much to ask for peace and quiet for a single day?

Brains fried, tear ducts dried, long long day, please just go away. Time will tell, heaven or hell...


"The things you own end up owning you. It's only after you lose everything that you're free to do anything."

Chuck Palahniuk , Fight Club

Curse of the thinking man?

Just want to let go, for once just quiet this fucking mind of mine and know what peace and quiet feels like. So many thoughts, so little time. A million and one of the bastards just forcing their way through this bottle-neck in your head called your brain. Headaches from all the thinking, random thoughts flying through your head so fucking fast it feels like your head is on fire, not being able to sleep due to you realising that you actually dont have a cooking clue as to what you are actually doing with your life. Always counting everything, always pairing everything, counting it again and again and again until someone takes it away and then try to slip in another count or two before its out of sight. Crazy? Normal? Wouldnt know the difference if you pointed it out to me. Got to let go, have to let go, think it through, just do it? Well aslong as it makes sense to me...



'We have normality. I repeat, we have normality. Anything you still can't cope with is therefore your own problem.'


Douglas Adams

Vivaldi

Infinate sadness, infinate cries; out of the darkness, huge web of lies. So much lost and so much gained yet still so much left completely unexplained? Driven by fury and anger right from the start straight out of this hole where there shudve been a heart. Deep and dark void that needs filling all day long, how much can you resist and stand strong? Everything that is wrong can be fixed even tho its just for now but in a while reality comes back and starts to chow. So much negativity caused, your life for a while stagnent, paused. So much hate anger and regret, no wonder you want to run back - it helps you forget...

'Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.'


Buddha

misunderstood

So many people at this time are waking up from a huge spiritual slumber, such a brilliant and positive change is busy happening but the sad reality is that the way our system and our minds are shaped most people have a complete misunderstanding as to what is really going on in themselves. Society, religion, the system(which is so much bigger than most people could ever understand-some parts of it is so huge you cant even see it if you aren't aware of it) psycology and the medical establishment or rather the highly educated prescription writers - dont get me wrong they do work hard to get their degree but they get drilled and trained so hard into believing what the universities, (and the huge tax-expemt foundations that fund them and their research if they agree with their curriculum and the outcome of the research they fund) tell them what a doctor does and should be that it leaves a little regard for actual healing. And the ones that do the actual healing gets written off as quacks? The ones with the fancy cars with the office in high society that prescribe the expensive meds gets considered the best doctors altho they actually dont care in the least for curing you rather just pumping you full of expensive tablets(warning:could cause nausea and vomitting, warning: could lead to coma or death and you wonder why i worry).
So confusion is the order of the day while one is slowly waking up or rapidly opening up in stages beyond comprehension - the trick is not to fight it and dont try to force it either (sorta like a fingertrap) but unfortunately for those who are not aware of what is happening to them (they just feel depressed, annoyed, irritated and sometimes completely out of it - usually when there is a full moon). Altho the fact they dont know what is happening to them is helping them wake up faster it might also force them to seek professional help which unfortunately in the system doesnt reconize things like sound, vibration, conciousness, spirituality, i mean gawd it doesnt even reconize the fact you have chackras (which play such an important part on our mental and physical health) and you can measure your chakras using a crystal. Doctors don't solve the problem they try to put together a general idea of whats wrong with your 3rd dimentional physical body and try to match it to what he got hammered into believing diseases are and if he cant numb you out enough with valium(which makes u stop feeling and growing) then its off to the shrink we go and immediately its depression or bi-polar - now you feed into the idea that you are depressed or bi-polar and the brain is so strong in that sense that it overrides all logic (or whatever you see as logic in your reality or whatever the system or education told you reality should be?) and now you just get worse and worse until you get to the point of being referred to the big gun, the psyciatrist, the one that has the power to really numb you out with meds if they cant convince you into being better. Im depressed, im bi-polar, gawd everythng is just wrong in my life (cause by now you've convinced youself you are suicidal and no! Stay away man,im crazy...look into these crazy eyes type of thing) and then he just thinks: ah, how do we numb this out? Not, how do we solve this? No, schedule 6 the good stuff, also the stuff where it feels you walk next to yourself and you have these long dreams that continue everytime after you wake up and fall asleep again and at the end of the day what do we have? A person thats busy waking up on a spiritual level but due to modern medicine is zonked out of his or her mind and reality is just a vague dream - and thats what they wanted from the beginning, that is exactly why the system is set up the way it is. If you live above this dimention it means you are in the 4th dimention 'time' and what that means is that you can basically see that it doesnt exist, and if you have evolved thru the complete understanding of the fact that time is relevant then youll be able to see that the past, present and future are happening at excactly the same time and youll be able to set up plans accordingly sorta like from the 'william shakepear conspiricy' (i kinda like how evrything these days that goes against what the system wants us to think conveniently gets labeled: 'conspiricy' but anyway) to Hollywood today - you might think to yourself what the hell does the one have to do with the other? Thats how a plan over ages would look and work if you didnt have time as a hurdle, start something that creates a huge divide and watch it grow and blossom into the modern version of 'the holy bush' but anyway that another story). And now most people who are waking out of this slumber gets knocked right back because the basis for our understanding, the 'education' system gives us a base to build on and this doesnt teach us anything meta-physical. Its simple: if you cant touch or measure it it simply doesnt exist, so anything above and beyond what we got taught is normal you ignore otherwise you get laughed at for being crazy? And we wonder why the world is in the mess it is in? Even though we were conned into believing that everything we got taught is right and fact we need to break out of this prison of lies we are all locked in. Stop giving our powwer away and start thinking for ourselves and only then when you find the truth, the meaning of life, the big mystery which isnt actually that much of a mystery, then only will you be free...


'Life is one big road with lots of signs. So when you riding through the ruts, don't complicate your mind. Flee from hate, mischief and jealousy. Don't bury your thoughts, put your vision to reality. Wake Up and Live!'

Bob Marley

The secret

There is one basic fact in this life of ours...the truth really does set you free. No left, no right, just a straight line. No opinion, no division, no radical left and no radical right, no he said she said or even some highly educated yet completely and deliberately misinformed clergy member or teacher giving their stance or opinion on the situation. Plain and simple, nothing less, nothing more, just liberating. And the most beautiful part of it all is with the truth(which already is a huge freaking bonus) comes a huge added double bonus called understanding...the most amazing gift anyone can give to themself and to others. There is so much power in these two basic principles; it literally sets you free in the most amazing of ways. You can overcome any obstacle in your life by just knowing and understanding what is really going on within yourself and this messed up system we are imprisoned in. There is just one small problem: it doesnt just come in a single day but dont get me wrong cause if you really truly start looking for it, it will find you and it will hit you hard but only when you are ready for it....


'Our greatest glory is not in never falling, butin rising every time we fall.'

Confucius

Where

Mind is shattered, memories scattered. A little blackout here and there, just to show your sanity who is boss with a little bit of a scare. Drifing father and further away from you old self, erase irrelevant pieces and those you might use again stack them on a shelf. Rusty, wrong and stuck in a rut scary as shit, really pasting a new you together piece by bit. Sense is a long gone thing of the past, white flag hanging at half mast. Darker and deeper tumbling and falling, a minute ago you were puking and crawling? What the fuck happened in that part of a second we call a split, everything changed before your eyes-holy shit! It changed again and again and once more, like your sanity - its gone; no more. Far far gone really far away, i promise you that its not coming back this day. Not one piece of sense i can make of this shit, not the feintest clue not one bit. Lost myself again while searching for the real me, its just hes always been here - i was just to fucking blind to see...

'The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.'

Socrates

Sadness

So far away from myself yet so near, what and why is this that i so truly and deeply fear? So much sadness, loss and pain, so much character built yet the building nearly drove me insane. So far down the rabbit hole i fell, will i ever find my way out? Only time will tell...
So many times have i seen the writing on the wall, oh how many times did the mighty fall. Paradise lost and found, maybe i can keep it this time round? For once just know which way i am actually heading, instead of always sitting, hating, regetting...
So many 'what if's' constantly in your head floating around, trust me is much fucking worse than what it sounds. Always picking on festering sores freventing them from healing, over and over hating the time and innosense that this shit was constantly stealing...


'Time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted.'

John Lennon

750g

Is amazing how your whole life can change in one single choice, how one moment of realisation can change every aspect of your life. From dragging your sorry ass through life hating every single second of every fucking miserable day of your pathetic mere sorry excuse of an oxygen thief to standing on top of the world. Lieterally embracing and celebrating every second of the day. Living in the moment, knowing everything is perfect and all the misery you were wallowing around in was of your own making a horrible reflection of opinion and misinformation. Generational brainwashing just generation upon generation of people being born into a mental prison and handing that horrible gift over to the next generation with all their love and good intetions. Gently placing you into what they think and feel about themselves and their world, with all their love and understanding they throw you into a mental prison built on lies and deceipt yet guarded by love, understanding and good intentions. I am me, i am free... Oraaitythen

'Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.'

Confucius

So far lost yet so close to being found

If you can understand that this whole sick system (or if you want to compliment it and call it society) is a huge reflection of the collective conciousness of the human psyche, all of humanity's thoughts and fears manifested into this huge intricately woven mishap of a experiment going completely wrong, only then will you start to realize the the faults are not in the world itself but in us, the people that occupy this 3rd dimention we are manifesting all our thoughts, fears and pet hates in. From before we can even think for ourselves our reality gets bombarded with negative thought and feelings that our parents manifest as their reality. Before we can even properly understand this reality we are carnated in, we hear about being born into sin and how we will never ever be worthy. Everyone is always complaining about everything that is wrong and by doing so never ever focussing on what is right so by the time you start thinking for yourself you are already hardwired to see everything in a negative light. So many unimportant things causes you to feel that you are not good enough...